


No, I Don't Know how to Forget you

by Crying_ram



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Getting Back Together, Heavy Angst, John and alex are teachers!, M/M, Nonbinary Lafayette, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Post-Break Up, Slow Build, Slow Burn, actually the smut doesnt take that long, everyone is a mess, its rough for a while, that doesnt matter though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-04-15 23:24:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14151627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crying_ram/pseuds/Crying_ram
Summary: 'Alex still remembers how John's hand felt on him before, soft and warm, like coming home. He remembers his lips, the way they looked wrapped around the words 'I love you' and he knows he can't fall into John again because it's different now.They've been broken up for months, and it's dangerous because they're just fucking, no feelings whatsoever, just something to do when one of them is bored or too stressed.(Or, in Alex's case, when he misses John too much)'





	1. Chapter 1

It's good for a while, at first.

Okay, not really, but they break up on relatively good terms, agree to continue living together because it's cheaper and less of a hassle and anyways, they had said that they wanted to stay friends.

They keep themselves busy and out of each other's way in the first week. It's a little difficult, considering they're both teachers at the same high school, but they manage well enough. Whenever they do find themselves in the same room with nothing to do, one of them quickly makes an excuse. Alex mumbles something about having an essay to finish, or John stutters out that he has assignments to grade, and that's it.

Alex tries to ignore how much it stings when John refuses to look at him.

It's suffocating. They dance around each other, neither wanting to speak about why they broke up, but neither being able to completely let it go. It leaves Alex feeling empty and cold, wishing for the closeness they had just weeks ago. His heart aches in a way he could never put into words, and it almost makes him laugh.

For once in his life, Alex has no words.

It gets better after a month or so. They still avoid touching each other, and their friendship is barely even a friendship, but they put on smiles and they deal. And, hey, at least they look at each other now.

Granted, John looks like he wants to cry when they look for too long, but Alex tries not to think about it too hard.

This strange pattern continues on for months, and Alex is content with it, content to have the awkwardness and only let his tears out in the shower if it means he gets to keep John close by. Things are never so simple, though, and Alex is pretty sure he's cursed, because it's John who changes everything, John who suggests this fucked up system.

It's a hot summer day, both of them getting a break from teaching for the time being. They're both sat in the living room, fanning themselves with paper plates, considering the fact that their air conditioning never works quite right.

Alex feels like he's positively melting, though he types away on his laptop regardless; a paper on flower language, his current biggest fascination. John is plopped on the opposite end of the couch, not doing anything besides trying to survive the heat, and Alex is a little glad for this moment. He allows himself to watch John from the corner of his eye, takes in the way his skin glows in the mid-afternoon sun that streams in through the window, the way his face seems slightly pained but relaxed, peaceful.

It's not uncomfortable between them in any way, a first for them since the break up, and Alex, despite the fact that he's dying, is basking in it.

 John clears his throat after a few minutes, and Alex stops his typing, looking up at him and trying not to follow the bead of sweat that travels down his throat. He fails, of course, and John clears his throat again, Alex's eyes immediately flicking to his, guilt filling him the tiniest bit. John looks away, as if he wants to speak but is unsure of what to say yet, and the atmosphere is suddenly too tense for Alexander's taste.  Alex doesn't push, waits patiently, hopes his face displays a sense of calm instead of the panic he feels inside. What if John has decided he doesn't want to live with him anymore? What if he's sick of Alex and can't be his friend anymore?

The next thought he has makes his blood run cold;

What if John tells him that he found himself a new boyfriend? It'd be easy for him to find someone new, someone pretty and soft in all the ways John likes. After all, John is beautiful. People love him instantly, and Alex can't be bitter, he's not any different from them. 

He used to be, though. Used to be loved in return. 

 John licks his lips, and the movement brings Alex back out of his head. It's a nervous habit Alex knows all too well, and if this were before, Alex would have quickly kissed his stress away. Alex shakes the thought away, alarms going off in his brain. That train of thought is dangerous, could tear him apart, and he doesn't need to focus all his willpower on trying not to cry at the moment, thank you very much.

 John clears his throat again, face a little red, and Alex is about to ask him if he needs a cough drop or something when he opens his mouth finally.

 "Do you think we could be fuck buddies?"John asks, voice sounding much too nonchalant, and Alex freezes completely.

 

That is the moment everything goes downhill, and how Alex finds himself in his current situation. They start talking a little more, more friendly than they've been in so long, and it almost drowns Alex. When John laughs at his jokes, when he casually slings an arm around his shoulders, when he forces him to eat because Alex is so caught up in his writing; it makes Alexander's heart hurt in the best way possible, makes it feel like back then for just a second, and for that second, Alex feels whole again.

And when John comes up to him, sits in his lap and whispers sweet things in his ear, kisses at his neck until he's putty beneath his hands- well, how could Alex possibly refuse him?

 He lies in bed at night, but the sheets feel cold around him. He remembers what it was like to have John in every sense of the word. Remembers what it was like to kiss him soundly on the lips, tickle his sides until he screamed, wrap his arms around him and fall asleep at night. The way they touch eachother is different now, quick and dirty and dizzying. It leaves Alex feeling bared, as if he has been hollowed out and left outside, as if he doesn't matter at all. 

 Alex still remembers how John's hand felt on him before, soft and warm, like coming home. He remembers his lips, the way they looked wrapped around the words _I love you_ and he knows he can't fall into John again because it's different now.  

They've been broken up for months, and it's dangerous because they're  _just fucking,_ no feelings whatsoever, just something to do when one of them is bored or too stressed. 

(Or, in Alex's case, when he misses John too much)

Alex knows he should end it, but he loves him, he loves him and would do absolutely anything for him. John is the night sky, covered in stars and constellations, with infinite potential and a heart too big for his own good. He tries to see the good in others, tries to look at the world from different perspectives.

Really, how could Alex not love him?

So he continues. They sleep with other people, and they sleep with each other, and they pretend it's normal. The world keeps spinning, and they continue to share their lives with each other at home and at work. It's good, great even, and if John happens to bring boys home when Alex is there, well-

Alex puts in his earphones, gets out his laptop, ignores his bleeding heart, and tries to deal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye hope you enjoyed that shitshow. This chapter was more to just give a little backstory so
> 
> Next time: We're back in the present! We get to hear a little about the French fry's predicament, and hey, a little smut :)  
> The title's terrible, so I'm open to suggestions of course  
> I'll probably be editing every now and then as the story progresses, so hopefully this chapter won't be trash forever  
> Well  
> Bye


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "why do we keep doing this to ourselves?"Lafayette groaned, running a hand tiredly over their face, and Alex snorted in response. 
> 
> "I'm hopelessly in love with my best friend, who also happens to be my ex boyfriend and the guy I casually fuck. What's your excuse?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: SOME FUCK THIS CHAPTER. LIKE, DETAILED FUCK.  
> This took S o o long.  
> My phone kept crashing while I was trying to edit and then I'd have to edit everything a l l over again and let's just say I almost made laf use he/him pronouns  
> But I persevered! Because I love nb laf and representation is important my guys  
> Also this entire thing is longer than I thought It would be  
> I'm sorry

Alex knew he fucked up when he woke up in a bed that was very much not his. 

There were arms wrapped soundly around his waist, sunlight coming in through an open window, and he cursed inwardly. He tried to shift out of this person's hold, but his head pounded, as if someone decided to bash his head in with a sledgehammer, and he realized he couldn't really remember last night all that well. 

He remembered shots, lots of shots, going onto the dance floor afterwards, curls pulled back into a bun and pretty brown eyes surrounded by eyeliner and mascara. 

(He also vaguely remembered what came after they left whatever bar they were at, remembers getting down on his knees, taking dick into his mouth and watching those pretty brown eyes flutter closed. They'll talk about that later, though. )

He wracked his brain to see if he recognized those features, groaned outwardly when he realized he did. Alex wriggled around, trying his best to wake up the sleeping person behind him while also trying not to make his headache any worse. 

"Laf, get the fuck up,"he grumbled, no longer caring whether or not it's a rude awakening. His friend, of course, only grunted, pulling Alex closer. They rubbed small circles into the skin of Alex's stomach, trying in vain to get him back to sleep.  

"Five more minutes,"Lafayette mumbled sweetly, pressing light kisses to the back of Alex's neck, making him roll his eyes in exasperation. Alex loved Lafayette in the morning and everything, when they're soft and sleepy,  but there are pressing matters that he would prefer to talk about as soon as possible. 

"No, right now. My head hurts like a bitch and I don't know where you keep your medicine,"he complained, earning a loud laugh from his friend, deep and warm. 

Alex can't help but laugh with them; in their arms, he feels safe, loved. Even if it's only temporary, they build each other up, do their best to mend each other's broken hearts. 

"Fine, fine, I will get you your medicine,"Lafayette finally replied, and Alex let out a small noise of content, turning in their arms to press a soft kiss to their lips. Lafayette accepted gladly, sighing a little when Alex pulled away. They released him from their hold, rolling out of bed to trudge into the bathroom.  

At this point, this is sort of like a routine for them. They both get drunk(Alex more than Lafayette, most of the time) and end up going home together. They wake up in the morning, naked and knowing exactly why they are, and Laf gets medicine for Alex, makes him breakfast after.

It's a slightly unhealthy routine, Alex knows, especially since they're both in love with their best friends, but sometimes they both need it. Both of their hearts ache, bloody and bruised, and they do their best to fix each other. It's a strange sense of camaraderie, promises of  _I'm here, I understand_ in every kiss they share. 

Lafayette returned with ibuprofen, and Alex sat up, opened his mouth obediently. Lafayette rolled their eyes, but put the pills into his mouth, waiting until Alex has swallowed them to crawl back into bed. 

Alex instantly cuddled up to them again, pressing a light kiss to their shoulder, and the gesture makes his friend grin, an arm curling around Alex's waist. They lay in silence for a moment, unsure of what to say, though they're both aware they have to discuss this. They said last time that they would end this; and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that. 

"we really have to stop,"Alex sighed, breaking the quiet after what seemed like an eternity, and Lafayette nodded vigorously, like a small child. Alex would find it much more endearing if he weren't currently internally screaming. 

"why do we keep doing this to ourselves?"Lafayette groaned, running a hand tiredly over their face, and Alex snorted in response. 

"I'm hopelessly in love with my best friend, who also happens to be my ex boyfriend and the guy I casually fuck. What's your excuse?"

Lafayette scoffed, lightly hitting Alexander's arm. 

"I'm just saying, we both know why we keep coming back to this,"he muttered, shrugging in an attempt to seem relaxed. Lafayette nodded in agreement, and when they sighed, it was one of longing. 

"Oui. If only we had fallen in love with each other. Life would have been much easier,"they concluded, running a hand through Alex's hair soothingly. Alex melted into the touch, but his heart remained uneasy, remained as cold as his love had left him. 

 "You could have Herc if you just confessed already,"Alex gently pointed out, but his friend simply gave a low, heartbroken whine. 

"He does not look at me in the same way that I look at him,"they drawled, and Alex groaned, moving to roll away from them. They had been over this before, Alex even going as far as photographing the many times Hercules looked at Lafayette with nothing but love and wonder in his eyes, and yet the French person still denied the obvious fact that their love was returned tenfold. 

"oh my god, you idiot-"

"Rude! You are not one to talk! Why don't you go after John? It is clear there is still something between you!"Lafayette exclaimed, and Alex froze, his blood running cold. 

Dozens of memories flashed through his head, leaving him vulnerable, wide open for the world to look at and judge; he and John, sitting on what used to be _their_ bed, talking about nothing in particular, Alex's head in his lap while John played with his fingers; Alex hugging John from behind while he scrambled eggs on a Saturday morning; Alex, looking at rings, trying to figure out how he should ask John to spend the rest of his life with him-

 ** _Fuck._**  

"Alexander? Alexander, are you okay?"Lafayette asked softly, hugging Alex to their chest. Alex hadn't even realized that they were calling him. 

Alex hadn't even realized that he was crying. 

He sniffled, wiping hastily at the tears, trying to swat away his friend's concerned touches. His throat felt constricted, and for a second, Alexander thought he would never breathe again. 

"He doesn't want me anymore,"he whispered, scolding himself mentally when his voice cracked. He wasn't supposed to show anyone his weaknesses, not even Lafayette, who was arguably his closest friend now. 

 "Oh, Alexander,"Lafayette cooed, petting his hair again, and Alex began to cry harder. His chest heaved with the force of his sobs, and he clutched at it desperately, trying to will away the way that it ached, longed for someone who didn't want him anymore. 

 "I love him so much, Laf,"he choked out, burying his face in his friend's chest. 

"I- I thought I was going to marry him. I thought we were going to be happy and in love forever."

 Lafayette kept holding him, silently encouraging him to keep talking, to let out all the feelings he had been holding in. They felt immense sympathy towards their friend, knew exactly how much it hurt to love someone who seemed unattainable. 

 "He.. "Alex trailed off, tears streaming steadily down his face, almost enough to drown him. He wished they would, wished it would kill him. At least then the pain would stop. 

"He promised me forever,"he finished, voice weak and distant. 

 Lafayette shushed him, pulling Alex with them when they sat up. They rocked Alex back and forth, trying to calm him as best as they could. 

"Maybe you should talk to your John more about this. For now, let's get you in the shower. I can give you some clean clothes to wear and make you breakfast, and then we'll get you back home. How does that sound?"

 Alex lacked the willpower to speak any longer, opting instead to hum in affirmation. His tears slowed now, thanks to Lafayette's gentle touch and caring words, but the pain in his ribcage didn't leave. As far as he was concerned, it was a part of him now, had been since he lost the person he cared most about. 

 Lafayette carefully took him into their arms properly, climbing out of bed and carrying Alex to the bathroom. They turned on the shower with one hand, before carefully setting Alex on his feet, helping him to undress. 

 Alex shuffled into the shower, letting the warm water comfort him, thaw out his frozen cold insides. He heard his friend leave as he washed his body, though he didn't pay it any mind, found his thoughts could only focus on one thing at the moment. 

 John. It was always John, John, John. 

 He heard Lafayette enter again, set something down before taking their leave, and Alex peeked out of the shower, slightly curious. 

On the countertop next to the sink, there sat a towel and maroon sweatpants, along with a bright blue hoodie that looked impossibly soft. Though both articles of clothing were colorful, practically screamed 'Lafayette', they looked comfortable, and Alex smiled at the sentiment. Laf always knew exactly what he needed when he was in a bad mood. 

He finished showering quickly, stepping out and drying himself off. He slipped the clothes on, unable to keep himself from laughing at how big they were on him. He rolled up the sleeves and pant legs, before exiting the bathroom and the bedroom. He followed the scent of syrup and cinnamon to the kitchen, rushing to drape himself over Lafayette. They let out a startled shriek, to which Alex's only response was to cackle. 

"Hey there buddy, what're you- stop screaming, it's just me- what're you making?"

They didn't immediately respond, instead opting to squawk indignantly and beat Alex with a syrup bottle. Alex continued to cling to his friend, though he let out a couple of pained grunts. 

"Merde, Alex! You scared the life out of me, I could have died of a heart attack! What would you have done then? You'd lose your most amazing, gorgeous, talented friend, and you'd spend the rest of your life pining after Laurens and doing nothing about it and then you'd grow old and wrinkly and die!"

Lafayette slammed the syrup bottle down on the counter, face dead serious, and Alex bit his lip, trying his best to not burst into laughter at his friend's theatrics. He cleared his throat, forcing his face to go completely blank, nodding in a way that he hoped looked sincere. 

"You're entirely right, I am nothing but a fool. Please forgive me, oh glorious French fry, for I would be nothing without your patience, grace, and love,"he said, tone monotonous, and Lafayette fixed him with a deadpan stare.

"You are the worst. Even worse than Burr,"they uttered, but the corners of their lips turned up, and Alex felt his face break into a grin.

"I can't believe you just compared me to the living garbage,"Alex fired back, putting a hand to his chest in mock offense.

"That's like me comparing you to Charles Lee."

"Do not even mention his name, Alexander. I will not have any talk of him in my good home. In fact, I believe that is a dollar in the swear jar, mon amour."

Alex broke out into giggles at this, hanging on desperately to Lafayette so as not to fall to the ground. They snorted and rolled their eyes fondly as he gasped for air, turning back to what they had been doing before. 

Alex finally calmed after a moment, peering over Laf's shoulder to see what he was making, considering his question had never been answered(which was fucking  _rude_ ).

 He let out a soft gasp of delight, bouncing with excitement and kissing Lafayette's neck repeatedly. They let out a bubbly laugh at the affection, though they tried to play it off as a cough. 

"Calm down. I knew you loved waffles, but I had no idea you loved them this much,"they teased, and Alex couldn't think of a snarky reply, too enthralled by the waffles and the kindness of his friend. 

_Holy shit they made me waffles I love them forget John my heart now belongs solely to Laf-_

"I love waffles!"Alex blurted passionately, and Lafayette snickered loudly, putting strawberries and powdered sugar on top of a small stack of waffles. Alex watched with intent and awe, mouth agape as he watched his friend work. 

Once they were done, they patted Alex's hand lightly, and he quickly let them go, following to the table and sliding into a chair. Lafayette set the waffles down in front of him, getting their own waffles and sitting down across from him. 

Alex wasted no time in devouring the waffles, moaning almost obscenely as he ate. Lafayette watched him with amusement, eating their own waffles at a normal pace, because they had  _manners, obviously._

 "please marry me,"Alex begged through a mouthful of food, and Lafayette nearly choked on their waffle. 

"No, for so many reasons."

"What? What reasons? I'm not that bad!"

"Of course you aren't, Alexander, but I am currently in a very serious, committed, imaginary relationship with Hercules Mulligan,"they joked, and Alex scoffed, flipping his hair over his shoulder. 

"Whatever, your loss!"

 

 Once Alexander was done, he sighed with contentment, taking his dishes over to the sink and washing them. Silence fell over them, just as it had while they were laying in bed, but this one was more comfortable, left Alex feeling at ease. 

"Do you feel any better?"Lafayette asked quietly, pushing away their now clear plate, and Alex gave a giddy smile, moving closer and kissing their cheek gently. 

"Tons. You're a great friend,"he said sweetly, and they smiled like the sun, pecking the tip of Alex's nose. Alex allowed himself to have this moment, allowed himself to feel love so deeply and so pure that it made his insides feel brand new.

For a second, he felt completely healed, reveled in his mind's silence. 

"Damn right I am,"they muttered, shoulders shaking in silent laughter, and Alex was pulled back to the present, chuckled for good measure. All at once, the silence was gone, replaced by the all consuming emptiness, the pit in his stomach that threatened to swallow him whole.

Maybe it already had.

His smile dimmed slightly, and he blinked, looking off to the side to avoid meeting his friend's eyes, knew they would be able to read him like an open book. He didn't want to know what they would find there, knew that Lafayette knew him better than he knew himself. 

Lafayette frowned at this, taking one of Alex's hands into their own. Alex's chest filled with slight warmth at the gesture, though it fled out of him as easily as it had come. That was how happiness always seemed for him these days. Temporary, flighty, always just out of his reach. 

"You're so kind to me, so patient and understanding, even when I don't deserve it. Why?"Alex mumbled, glancing at his friend, guilt overtaking him at the sight of Lafayette's small, sad smile. 

"Alexander, we are friends, non, family. You matter to me, more than I'd ever like to admit, and I love you deeply. Your heart aches, and I do these things because I care about you, and I know that if I needed it, you would do the same for me,"they explained softly, and Alex wanted to cry, wanted to spend his entire life in their arms, safe and happy and loved. 

"We take care of each other,"Alex finished for them, and Lafayette hastily nodded, smile growing slightly. 

"But of course. How about we get you home now? Your John must be very worried,"Lafayette suggested, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Alex gave a crooked smile, nodding his agreement. They moved together, cleaning up and collecting the rest of Alex's things, before going back into the world, Alex holding on tightly to their hand. If they minded at all, they didn't say a word, and Alex was grateful. Both of their hearts bled, and sometimes they felt more like shells than people, but they had eachother. They held on, kept each other going, helped eachother up if they fell down. 

And they tried to deal. 

 

Alex closed the door quietly behind him when he entered, unsure if John was home.  

He was hoping he wasn't.

 He carefully slipped off his shoes, placing them on the mat next to the door, tiptoeing into the living room. 

Despite it being only two in the afternoon, the apartment was dark, a combination of the cloudy sky outside and the curtains that covered the windows. 

Alex let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding, beginning to move to his room, before a voice called out to him. 

"Alex?"John called softly, and Alex froze. It wasn't fair, how much power John had over him. All he had to do was smile and Alex would fall to his feet. 

Alex slowly turned around, facing the kitchen, breath hitching in his throat when he spotted John; he sat on the countertop beside the stove, wearing boxers and a sweatshirt he stole from Alex, looking so effortlessly beautiful that it made Alex's head spin. 

John gave a bright smile, gesturing for him to come closer, and Alex reluctantly complied. The closer he got, the less his heart ached, as simple and as naturally as breathing. Then again, that's how being with John had felt. 

Natural, easy, as if they were two parts of a whole put into different bodies by mistake. 

It felt right. 

"You didn't tell me you were going out last night,"John stated, voice gentle and smooth, crossing one leg over the other. A strange sort of defensiveness crawled up Alex's throat, one he found he couldn't stifle, and he crossed his arms, letting out a bitter laugh. 

"Why do I suddenly have to tell you whether or not I'm going somewhere?"he spat out, regretting it when he took note of the way John flinched. If it had been anyone else, John may have met the anger with his own, but John liked to be treated a little more gently by those he was close to, especially after years of having to deal with his father. Alex knew that. 

Alex scared him. 

"I was just concerned, that's all,"he said meekly, effectively softening Alex, making his anger turn into worry. He could never stay hard and cold, not when it came to John. He was everything, a bright star, lit up the entire space around him without trying, and Alex just so happened to have fallen into his orbit without even noticing. Alex loved him with all his heart, and here he was, yelling at him and probably reminding him of all the times his father had attacked him verbally and physically. 

"Right, I'm sorry,"Alex apologized, shuffling closer, but John just shook his head, gave a smile that said it all; _you didn't mean to, I forgive you_ , a message that made Alex's heart squeeze in a way that was pleasantly painful.

"I'm making coffee. You want any?"John questioned, taking Alex's hands into his when he was close enough. Alex smirked slightly, chuckling at the question. His beautiful John, always so forgiving, always asking questions even if he already knew the answer. 

 _Except he's not yours_ his brain reminded him. He promptly told his brain to shut the fuck up. 

"Do you even have to ask?"

John huffed, sticking his tongue out in response, the action so cute that Alex's stomach did flips. He hopped off the counter once the coffee was done, reaching into a cabinet to pull out two mugs and creamer. 

He poured the coffee into the two mugs, lifting himself onto the counter again as he poured creamer into both. Alex graciously took the cup that was passed to him, taking a sip in order to try to calm the butterflies in his stomach. 

John kept his hands wrapped around his own mug, looking at Alex with an intensity that made his skin crawl. John leaned forward, face just inches away from Alex's, raking his eyes over his body. Alex stopped breathing, afraid that if he made a single move, John would back away. He could feel the warmth radiating off of John's body, wanted desperately to close the small amount of space between them, wanted to taste the coffee on his tongue-

"You're wearing Laf's clothes?"John inquired, voice suddenly sounding much too small. Of course, his voice was always music to Alex's ears, but it sounded different now, wrong.  Alex raised an eyebrow, setting aside his mug(and thoughts) and sitting on the counter next to John, pressed up against his side. 

"Yeah. I ended up spending the night with them,"Alex said simply, shrugging. It didn't seem unusual to admit, especially since they had both slept with Lafayette since they'd broken up. Of course, it always felt like a punch to the stomach whenever John talked about sleeping with anyone, including their close friend, but surely John wouldn't care. 

After all, he wasn't the one who was painfully in love with someone he couldn't have. 

John stared down into his cup, licking his lips. The action perplexed Alex, and he tentatively rested a hand on his arm, rubbing circles into his skin in an attempt to soothe him. 

"Hey, are you alright?"Alex fretted, brow furrowing in concern. John didn't respond, tensing under his touch. He glanced at Alex, licking his lips again, before putting down his cup. He scooted closer to Alex, practically moving onto his lap, gently cupping his face with his hand. The action was far too tender, surprised Alex so much that he didn't notice John leaning in until their lips were touching. 

His lips were warm, slightly chapped, and Alex was dizzy with it. His heart beat rapidly in his chest, and he sighed into it. It was short, sweet, left every single one of his nerves lit up and blinking. 

"What was that for?"Alex asked against his lips, nothing but amusement and adoration in his tone, and John inhaled deeply, resting his forehead against Alex's. 

"Want you to make me yours for tonight,"he said sheepishly, as if those words didn't just force all the air out of Alex's lungs. He tried to hide his shock and joy, though, pasting on a small smile. It was hard to do, trying to seem so indifferent, considering he was so happy he could dance. 

"Course, sweetheart. How do you want me?"he whispered into his ear, reveling in the way that John shuddered and let out a little whine. Alex loved his noises,  pretty little gasps and moans, loved how responsive he was in bed. 

"Want you to fuck me,"John whimpered, burying his face into his neck and leaving light kisses, and Alex couldn't help but thank all the gods he could remember off the top of his head. 

"Your room or mine?"Alex asked slowly, placing a hand on John's hip, and the question shot ice through his veins; right. They had separate rooms now. They were separate now. No matter how much he wanted things to be the way they were before, they were different now, and this was just sex, even if he wanted it to be more. 

"Yours. Want to be surrounded by you and your scent,"John murmured, averting his eyes as if he were embarrassed to admit it. Alex smiled warmly, reminded himself again that it was _just sex._

John wrapped his legs around his waist, and Alex dutifully picked him up and slid off the counter, cups of coffee forgotten as he hurried to his room. John was quick to start marking his neck, hands roaming over every part of Alex he could touch. 

Alex carefully laid John down on his bed, and he crawled to hover over him, breath catching in his throat at the sight. John looked at him with eyes full of fire, but it was gentle, like that of a candle. It was open and honest and beautiful and Alex loved him so damn much. 

John sat up slightly and grabbed for Alexander, smoothing his hands down his sides and tugging on his shirt, and Alex shivered, easily lifted his arms to help him. The fabric was tossed away, and they took turns unwrapping eachother slowly, treasuring each other in the moment. Alex had seen him undressed many times, more than he could possibly keep count of, but he still found himself overwhelmed each time; John was gorgeous in every sense of the word, body toned, tan skin covered in freckles everywhere. Even his dick was beautiful, thick and proud, also covered in freckles. 

John settled back on the bed again, curls haloing his face, eyes wide and pleading, looking innocent and trusting beneath him, like an absolute angel. Alex could have cried. 

He pressed a soft kiss to his lips, spreading his legs further and grinding down into him. The friction was delicious, sweet and slow, and the way John keened only spurred Alex on further. 

"Like that, baby? Like the way I feel against you?" Alex muttered, looking at John with a heated gaze. "Always so good for me, so eager. Love having you beneath me, so enthusiastic to please."

"Alex, please,"John breathed, whining at the pressure of Alex's hard cock against his own. "Need you, please, need more,more,more-"

Alex cut off his babbling with another soft press of lips, reaching over to his bedside drawer. He pulled it open, digging around and taking out the lube and a condom, placing the condom next to John's head. John wriggled impatiently as Alex popped open the lube, pouring a generous amount onto his fingers. 

"Calm down, baby,"Alex chided quietly, lightly pinching John's hip, earning a glare in response. John looked more like an annoyed poodle than anything, and Alex chuckled at the look, making John squawk in offense. 

"Keep laughing, Hamilton, and I swear to god I'll send your nudes to Jefferson. "

"You wouldn't _dare_. "

"You know damn well I would. Hell, maybe I'll show him next time I spend the night at his-" John cut himself off with a startled gasp, due to the fact that Alex saw that as the perfect time to work a finger into him. Alex laughed at the reaction, slowly pumping the finger in and out of him, relishing in the way John panted, rolling his hips to get more stimulation. 

"Sorry, angel, were you saying something?"Alex questioned with a false sweetness to his tone, smiling smugly. He tried to maintain the smile, simultaneously trying not to drool over the sinful way John moved his hips. 

" 'nother one,"John slurred, eyes lidded and foggy, fluttering his lashes, and how could Alex say no when he asked so prettily?

He carefully slid in another finger next to the first, heart clenching when John breathed out his name. He swallowed audibly, thrusting his fingers steadily, drinking in all of John's reactions, every gasp and moan and whimper. Alex himself was painfully hard, and he bit the inside of his cheek, holding back a moan at the thought of John wrapping around his dick. 

"Alex, please,"John begged faintly, and Alex pushed his fingers in deeper, curling them insistently, rubbing against John's walls. John threw his head back, moaning loudly, and Alex, ever the asshole, kept pressing at his prostate. It wasn't his fault, really! He just really loved the way John spreaded so readily for him, trusted him with something so intimate. 

John breathed heavily, cock leaking precome onto his stomach, and Alex made sure to commit every detail to memory. John tightened around his fingers, and Alex whimpered, leaning down to give him a chaste, tender kiss. 

"I'm ready, Alex, get inside me,"John said hurriedly, and Alex chuckled fondly at the way he tripped over his words.

John was just so charming; even when he was picking a fight with someone for being ignorant, even when he was singing Disney songs at the top of his lungs, even when he was stupidly drunk and trying not to fall onto his face, even right now, with two fingers shoved up his ass. John made it easy to love him, and Alex would fall into and for him time and time again. 

Alex took his fingers out, snorting when John whined at the loss, pouting like an angry toddler. He moved to tear open the condom, but John quickly stopped him by kicking it out of his hands, eyes narrowing. Alex squinted in confusion, letting out a soft sound of protest. 

"John, what the fuck-"

"No condom. Want to feel you, want you to cum in me,"he explained breathily, wrapping his legs around Alex's waist, and Alex's heart promptly stopped beating. 

He felt as though something wasn't being said, as if there was a deeper meaning to this. Or, really, maybe he just wanted there to be a deeper meaning to it, something more so he didn't feel so alone. 

"But- we haven't since..."he trailed off, saw something flash in John's eyes at the weight of his words. They both knew what he meant without having to voice it, felt the room shift around them. John opened his mouth, quickly shut it as tears came to his eyes. He brought a hand up to gently caress Alex's cheek, push back some of the hair in his face. 

"Please. I want this,"he said delicately, as though if he said them any louder, everything around them would disappear. Alex blinked, nodded slowly as he picked up the lube bottle again, slicking up his length and lining himself up with John's entrance. John let out a relieved sigh, drew Alex in closer with his legs. 

Alex pushed in leisurely, both he and John hissing in pleasure. It was truly beautiful, the way John stretched so easily to accommodate him, as if he belonged inside of him. 

"Thank you,"John moaned airily, the words coming out soft and warm, as if he were praying. Alex drew his dick back out almost completely, thrusting in just as slowly as he did before. 

He set up a wonderfully languid pace, appreciating how hot and tight John's hole was around him. John writhed beneath him, hands moving to his back, nails clawing at his skin. Alex drowned in it, drowned in the way John's body was soft and welcoming to him, while at the same time maintaining the aggression that John carried with him. 

Alex drowned in him. 

"Fuck babygirl, feels so good, love having you inside of me,"he rambled quietly, biting down on his lip harshly, and the words left Alex breathless. Then again, simply being around John left Alex breathless, made him feel whole, see the world a little clearly. 

They hadn't fucked this way in a while; with so much love, such tender affection that it made Alexander's blood buzz. Lately, all they ever did was get it over with quickly, use each other as if it was nothing. Alex missed this, missed the way it made John absolutely fall apart. 

"God, if only you could see yourself, baby. So gorgeous, so lovely beneath me,"Alex said, well aware that it was probably a little much. It made John moan wantonly, though, tighten on his cock, and that was what really mattered. 

"Don't stop talking,"John begged, voice high pitched and shaky. His cock lay heavy and weeping on his stomach, and Alex knew he was already close by the way tears started to flow freely from his eyes. Alex almost came immediately just from the sight, but he staved it off, wanted it to last as long as possible. 

 "You're so good for me, so perfect. Could fuck you for hours, just like this, make you cum over and over again. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"Alex purred, and John whimpered his agreement, nodding frantically. His nails dug desperately into Alex's skin, hard enough to draw blood, though Alex enjoyed it wholeheartedly; it was proof that what they were doing was actually happening, that this was real.

"So close, please, give me more,"John said, voice slightly hoarse, body tensing with each of Alex's thrusts. Alex swore his heart burst, was aware that John didn't really mean to give him more physically. He liked to feel as though there was an emotional connection, liked to be praised and loved, and Alex was always more than willing to give him everything. 

"Look so sweet, _fuck_ , John. My perfect little angel,"he mumbled, heat beginning to pool in his lower belly. It was all so much, having John around him, under him, heart feeling at peace for the first time since they'd broken up. John was practically sobbing, looking up at Alex with something like love in his eyes, placing his hand gently on Alex's cheek. Alex leaned into the touch, let his eyes fall shut for a brief moment as he turned his head to press a kiss to John's palm. When he opened his eyes again, John was flushed bright pink, from the tips of his ears down to his chest, eyes wide and shiny. 

"Fuck,"he said softly, mouth open in a small 'o' shape, and Alex completely agreed. 

"I love you so fucking much,"Alex muttered before he could stop himself, before he could even properly think his actions through, and John's eyes widened further, moaning helplessly and clinging to Alex.

" _Jesus fucking christ_ \- Babygirl, I love you too, te amo, te amo, te amo-"John babbled, and he came with a small gasp, cum coming out in graceful arcs and landing on his chest, every part of him going taut like a string ready to snap. His insides clamped down on Alex's cock, milking his orgasm out of him, and Alex released his seed deep inside of him with another quiet proclamation of love, both of them shuddering at the feeling.

They lay still for a prolonged moment, panting and basking in their afterglow, in the warmth they shared between them. John's hand moved from his cheek to card through his hair, and Alex smiled gently, giving a pleased hum. He carefully pulled out of John, chuckling when John let out a protesting whine, picked up a random shirt off the floor and wiped John clean. 

He tossed the shirt aside again, collapsing onto John, earning a startled grunt from him. 

"Alex, you're great and all, but you're fucking heavy _get off me_ -"John complained, wriggling and trying to push him off, but Alex only laughed, refusing to budge. 

"Nah, I'm staying, and I'm sleeping here with you now. You're not allowed to leave"

"I have my own bed for a reason, babygirl."

"I'm honestly so offended. I fuck you to the point of tears, and this is my thanks?"Alex exclaimed dramatically, snorting when John rolled his eyes in response, cheeks flushing deep red. 

"Whatever, I hate you,"he grumbled, though he wrapped his arms around Alex's waist, tugging him closer and nuzzling into his neck. Alex did his best to bite back a smile, but of course, he failed, and his face was quickly overtaken by a large, stupid grin. 

They stayed silent, holding each other tightly, and Alex felt like shining. He felt as though he was air, pure and free and absolutely untouchable. His heart did happy little flips in his chest, and he vaguely hoped John couldn't hear it. Sure, he had already professed his still undying love, but that could always be blamed on the fact that he didn't ever shut up, especially in the heat of the moment. 

"So,"Alex began cautiously, the slightest bit of reluctant fear in his tone, and John gave a small hum to show he was listening, rubbing encouraging circles into his side.

"You want to tell me why you suddenly wanted to sleep together?"he asked, waggling his eyebrows even though John wasn't looking at him. He would have simply said fuck, but the word seemed too crude now, considering how emotional it felt, how much passion there was. 

_Except there was only love on your end. He doesn't love you anymore._

John groaned at the question, burying his face further into Alex's neck, mumbling something that Alex couldn't quite catch. 

"Sorry, angel, what was that? Speak up a little-"

"I didn't like Laf's clothes on you, or their scent on you, or the fact that you slept with them,"John repeated, louder this time, and it shouldn't make Alex's heart slam against his chest, _it shouldn't_ , but it does and it hurts because this is _nothing, nothing, nothing._

"You were jealous, then?"he asks, forcing his tone to go smug, and if John notices the way his voice wavers, he doesn't mention it. 

"Yeah. I was,"he says delicately, honestly, and Alex's heart leaps,  wants to keep him, wants to stand by his side forever, through thick and thin. He wants to hold him, wake up every morning to a sleepy smile and freckles like powdered sugar against warm skin, wants to run his hands through soft chocolate curls, wants to hold strong calloused hands in his own. For a second, he can see their future together again, laid out before them; wedding rings and a little house, quiet nights and pets and maybe a kid someday. He wants it, all of it, all of him, and he forces himself to stop, knows the risks of falling farther into something when you're already in too deep. Then again, it does seem much easier to just swim down, let his love for John suffocate him. 

"That's okay,"Alex chokes out, because he doesn't know how to respond to the admission, doesn't know if he should just come clean in the same way that John had. This answer seems to be enough for John, though, because Alex can feel his lips curve up against his neck, can feel him press a tender kiss there, and he wills himself to focus on this, to let this be enough. 

Maybe in some other life, this could be enough, but it isn't, and Alex feels lost, complete yet torn apart at the same time. It burns, and his heart aches to call John's home. He looks down at John, beginning to doze off against him, eyelids fluttering closed, nose twitching in his sleep, and Alex can't tell if it mends his heart or breaks it further.

The sun finally decides to come out of hiding after so long, and it streams in through the curtains, falls on the both of them and paints them in its colors, paints John golden

This is not enough, but at least he gets to keep John in his life. 

He rubs John's back soothingly, kisses the top of his head once he's sure that he's asleep, and lets his own eyes fall shut. And if he holds John a little tighter, unable to suppress his tears, well... 

Nobody needs to know. He'll learn to deal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow that was a train wreck  
> Also my first time writing out pornographic scenes  
> Thank god it's over(there will be more in the future though)  
> Next time: I don't really know I'm making this up as I go  
> But lots of flashbacks, Alex doing his job, and some deep feels  
> Stay tuned :)  
> Let me know if I missed anything that I should edit!  
> Also!! If anyone hasn't noticed, I took a bit of inspiration from the Turn it Around series. If you haven't read that, go read it now because it's g r e a t


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "stop being a literal angel, please,"Alex mumbled, cheeks flaming red. John snorted, holding out their joined hands in front of him. He seemed to be examining them closely, and Alex watched his face curiously, raising an eyebrow at him. John's lips quirked up the smallest bit, glancing at Alex excitedly, eyes far too innocent for someone who had been fucked just hours earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ended up being really soft and sad.  
> im sorry for everything  
> i got a lot of inspo from angsty songs and my depression s o

When Alexander awoke again, he did so pleasantly. There was the soft, sweet sound of John humming, the feeling of their fingers laced together ever so delicately. A quick glance towards the window let him infer that it was late at night, stars just visible from where he lay.

Had John really let him sleep for so long? Alex himself would've woken John up after 5 minutes had he woken up first. Alex let out a soft sigh, and the humming ceased, the fingers quickly being pulled from his own. 

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up, I just got a little bored laying here doing absolutely nothing, and playing with your hands was kind of just my first instinct, since I used to do it all the time, y'know? "John rambled, a hint of desperation to his words, and Alex whined when he tried rolling away from him. 

"Can you shut up for a second? Where are you going? come back,"he grumbled, pulling John back to him before his sleepy brain could quite process that it was probably a weird thing to do. John let out a noise of protest, though he didn't put up any fight, simply letting himself be cuddled. 

"How long have you been awake?"

"Don't know. An hour or two? Can't reach my phone, and I didn't want to move too much in case it woke you, so I couldn't really tell you."

"Why'd you let me sleep so long?"Alex asked, not awake enough yet to be embarrassed by his whiny tone of voice. It seemed to amuse John, though, because he let out something between a giggle and a snort. It sounded kind of terrible, but it made Alex's heart flutter anyways. 

"You barely sleep at all. Thought it'd be a good idea to let you get some rest, since you always seem to work yourself until you pass out or something,"John said casually, and Alex rolled his eyes. John was always telling him how he worked too much, and maybe he had a point, but Alex would literally suck Jefferson off before he would ever even _consider_ admitting it. 

"Whatever,"Alex scoffed, clasped their hands together again, running his thumb over John's knuckles. It felt familiar, like coming home after so many years of being away. John's fingers fit perfectly between the spaces of Alex's, and he looked at the display with eyes full of awe.

"They fit perfectly,"Alex whispered below his breath, turning his head to properly look at John, a giddy smile on his face. John blinked, once, twice, before his cheeks went a lovely shade of red, a warm smile slowly finding it's way to his lips. 

"yeah,"he began, words just as hushed,"perfect fit." Alex reached to place his free hand on John's chest, right over his heart, took a moment to appreciate the way that it felt beneath his fingertips. It was steady, strong, just as beautiful as John was. John grinned, leaned in to press a warm kiss to Alex's lips. 

"I love your heartbeat,"Alex said suddenly, voice slightly slurred from sleep, didn't miss the way John's face lit up, became more open, affectionate. He laughed quietly, gave his hand a light squeeze, and Alex delighted in the way that his heartbeat thrummed faster under his hand. 

"You love my heartbeat? That's a strange thing to love. Come on, pick something else, like my eyes or my ass, something that makes sense,"John teased, and Alex snorted, gently smacking John's chest as a reprimand. 

"Too bad, I love your heart beat,"Alex sassed, sticking out his tongue, and John scoffed in exasperation. This was different, far different from the routine they had developed over the past couple of months, but Alex planned to cherish every single second of this anomaly. 

"Care to at least explain why then?"John asked, trying to feign indifference, but Alex was able to see right through him. He needed reassurance that this wasn't some kind of strange joke, that Alex genuinely cared about him in some way. 

"Your heartbeat means you're alive. You're here, you're with me, and your heart keeps pumping blood through your body, keeps you breathing. Though, if I think about it, it might be wrong to say I love your heartbeat, because it's more like I love your entire existence. I love that by some chance, some miracle, you were placed on this Earth, and I got to be lucky enough to know you,"he explained, tapping on John's chest to the beat of his pulse. John positively beamed, and it was so radiant, left Alex's insides feeling like Jell-O. 

"I love your existence, too. I don't know what I'd do without you, without you here to care about me, "John responded, pressing a kiss to Alex's temple, and it just wasn't fair for one human to be so perfect. Alex let out an over-dramatic groan, one that startled John enough to make him jump. 

"Stop being a literal angel, please,"Alex mumbled, cheeks flaming red. John snorted, holding out their joined hands in front of him. He seemed to be examining them closely, and Alex watched his face curiously, raising an eyebrow at him. John's lips quirked up the smallest bit, glancing at Alex excitedly, eyes far too innocent for someone who had been fucked just hours earlier. 

"What you thinking about, sunshine?"

"Nothing, just how our hands look like they belong together,"John mumbled absentmindedly, back to looking at their joined hands. He did so longingly, like he was looking at something he couldn't have, and it both confused Alex and made his heart ache at the same time. 

"They do,"Alex insisted softly, gripping John's hand just a little tighter, watched John's smile grow into something brighter and a little more shy. Alex would do anything to make him smile like that, over and over for the rest of his life. 

Maybe in some other timeline, one where his feelings were returned. 

John must have been able to read his thoughts- or maybe it was written all over Alex's face- because his smile seemed to dim considerably, eyes going glassy, cold. He looked between their hands and Alex, an emotion that Alex couldn't pin flitting across his face. 

"They did,"he breathed, the correction stabbing Alex right through the heart. He wanted to argue, wanted to say how they still did, how they always would, knew it was for the best if he didn't. Maybe he would have if John didn't look like he was one wrong word away from bursting into tears. Alex made no move to let his hand go, though, because letting it go would feel like letting John go and he had already made that mistake a couple months ago. 

Alex opened his mouth to speak, quickly shutting it. What could he say? In a way, John wasn't wrong, and Alex was the only one who was still desperately holding onto the love and life they had built together, the love that flickered out and died on John's end when Alex had been too preoccupied to notice. Now, he paid the price. 

"Alexander, say something,"John choked out, sounding so small and shaken and _scared_. Alex shifted closer to him, kissed away the tears that started flowing freely from John's eyes, tried his best to hold back tears of his own. 

"What do you want me to say?"Alex asked, anxiety coursing through him, making it much more difficult to breathe. John's brows furrowed, expression looking utterly pained, before he quickly pulled it into one of careful neutrality.

"Don't do that. Don't try saying something just because you think it's what I want to hear,"he grit out, though it sounded more sad than angry. The entire world came to a standstill around Alex, and he weighed his options in his head, tried to figure out how the _fuck_ he was supposed to behave in this situation. 

This was his chance. This could be his one shot to spill his heart out, to tell John that he missed him, loved him and didn't stop for even a second. Maybe John wouldn't reciprocate, but at least then it would be out in the open, and Alex could say he at least tried. Besides, something in him told him that maybe they could have this again; John was looking at him as if he were everything and more, looking at him with quiet devotion and hope. 

Alex could do this. He could, could tell John how much he meant to him, would write entire poems and essays if he had to(and anyways, not like he hadn't already.)

But the words wouldn't come. They sat, stuck in his throat, and with each passing second the hope in John's eyes seemed to die a little more. Why couldn't he say it, why couldn't he admit it? 

He asked himself these questions, but he knew full well why he couldn't. There was still the fear that he was reading this all wrong, that he could ruin their friendship past repair, and John was the only person Alex couldn't stand to lose. At the same time, if he was reading everything right, if they loved each other, then there was the fear that Alex would ruin everything all over again. What they had right now, what was at risk, it wasn't perfect, but it was theirs, broken in places but still beautiful. 

"Stay with me?"Alex asked quietly, the only words he could manage, and he prayed that it would be enough for now. John appeared slightly disappointed, but his face softened, and he pressed a sweet kiss to his forehead. 

 "Always,"he muttered, the way his voice cracked not evading Alex. Alex gave a weak smile, laid his head to rest on John's chest. He listened to his heart, let the beating lull him into a deeper sense of calm. John pulled the blanket tighter around them, muttered something Alex didn't quite catch, decided it'd be better if he didn't ask, considering it seemed like something John didn't want to be heard.  Maybe he could ask another time, once whatever this was had passed.

He couldn't help but feel like this was unfair somehow. Everyone always talked about how great love was, how when you found it, truly found it, everything fell easily into its place. Maybe things wouldn't always be effortless, but they would piece together, you'd make a spot for that person in your life and found that they fit there naturally, like they were made for you. And really, for Alex and John, it had been that way at first. They got along immediately, talked as if they'd known each other their entire lives, and it felt as if they had somehow met before. Alex fell quick and hard, probably loved him as soon as his eyes fell on him, and things were perfect.

Until they weren't.

Now they were left with this, with Alex grasping at straws and gasping for breath, hoping for something that he once had but now seemed impossible to reach. Things had been easier before, had been full of laughter and smiling eyes and cuddling while watching movies when they were supposed to be grading papers. What was he supposed to do now? He was haunted, plagued by the softest memories and dreams he had ever experienced, trapped in a perpetual downfall full of images of those eyes, shining and full of tears, begging him to either stay or leave him forever-

And Alex had made the wrong choice.

"When did you last eat? Morning?"John suddenly questioned, soft like slowly drifting clouds, as though talking any louder would startle Alex out of his hold.

As if Alex would ever really be able to leave him.

"Not hungry,"Alex said just as smoothly, not exactly answering the question. To give a proper answer was to give in completely, was to let himself be taken care of, and Alex didn't want that from anyone, especially not from John. John, who would probably try to give him the world if he really asked. John, who stood by him always, a beacon of warmth, his cornerstone, always willing to fight for and with him.  He already did so much for Alex simply by being himself, by being kind and expecting nothing in return, and Alex couldn't let him do anymore.

"Alright, get up, we're getting you food now,"John stated, letting go of Alex so he could roll out of bed, but Alex refused to let go, Whining and clinging to him like a koala. John grunted, pushing at his shoulder, sighing when he got only a glare in response.

"Don't need food, need love and warmth, which you can provide me,"Alex stated matter-of-factly, regretting it when he felt John tense up beneath him. He quickly recovered, though, rolling his eyes at Alex and shoving him harder. 

"We won't even be out of bed that long. We'll get you a snack, and then we'll go right back to bed. Sort of have to, anyways, we have work in the morning."

"What kind of snack, though? I refuse to move from this bed if I am given crappy snacks."

"Jesus Christ, Alex, I don't know. A banana or something? Maybe yogurt?"

"why would I want a banana when I could just suck your dick-"

"Oh my God, shut up, we're getting you something to eat,"John grumbled, abruptly cutting Alex off as his cheeks flushed crimson. It was far too endearing to Alex, surprised him so much that his grasp on John loosened. John took advantage of this, prying Alex off of him and sliding out of bed, smiling triumphantly. 

John looked around for his boxers, and Alex openly stared at his gorgeous form, winking when John caught him looking. He scoffed, finally finding his boxers and pulling them on, running a hand tiredly over his face and waddling out of the room(something that Alex definitely didn't find cute, nope, not at all)

Alex got up momentarily, looking around for his own boxers, pulling them on and crawling back into bed when he found them. He crossed his arms behind his head and looked to the ceiling, let his mind drift for the time being. So much had changed these past months. Time had a funny way of working, moved slowly and then all at once. 

Things had been perfect at some point. 

How do you tell someone you love them? How do you convince them that you'll love them until the day you die? How do you let them go? 

How do you keep someone when they're not yours to begin with? 

 

_Alex had been waiting for John for what seemed like an eternity._

_It was way past midnight, probably close to sunrise now, and to say he was nervous would be a gross understatement. What if John was hurt? He had said he'd be home by ten, didn't he? Maybe Alex should go look for him, drag him home when he found him_

_If he found him-_

_Alex immediately got to his feet, pacing back and forth for a moment before he slipped on his shoes and grabbed for his keys. Just as he did, though, the door handle jiggled, then clicked open, John stumbling in. Alex moved to catch John when he tripped over his own feet, alcohol clearly making walking difficult. Adrenaline pumped through his veins, along with the need to protect him, shield John from the rest of the world._

_"Christ, John, it's four in the morning. Where the fuck have you been?"Alex asked, unable to hide the concern that seeped from every part of him. John clung to him, gripping onto his arm for dear life, looking around as if he were just taking in his surroundings, and shit, was John's lower lip bleeding-?_

_"I don't know,"he whispered, sounding as well as looking small and frightened, and Alex wanted to take him in his arms, hold him forever. He wanted to find who had hurt him, make them pay for ever daring to lay a hand on his angel._

_"It's okay, Querida,"Alex cooed softly_ , reeling him into his side, heart sighing _when John instantly dropped his head to Alex's shoulder._

_"Alex, I don't know what happened, I think I messed up, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"John choked out, breaking off into sobs, and Alex's heart just about broke._

_"Hey, Baby, it's okay. Take some deep breaths, calm down,"Alex spoke softly, running a hand through his disheveled curls. John nodded, clenching and unclenching his fists, matching his breathing to Alex's. Alex hummed softly under his breath, knew it was one of the easiest ways to get John to come back down to Earth. John relaxed into his hold, and Alex felt it when his eyes closed, lashes fluttering against his skin._

_"Thanks, babygirl,"He said softly, words coming out slightly slurred. Alex shushed him, kept his arms wound tightly around him, afraid if he let go he'd leave again. Though, clearly, John was in no condition to walk, let alone go anywhere else._

_"Someone hurt you?"he questioned gently, and John froze up, nodding stiffly._

_" 'm sorry. I know you told me not to get into fights anymore and I did and I swear it won't happen again, please don't be mad, please don't leave me-"_

_Alex blinked for a second, shocked by the word vomit John had suddenly spewed. He was quickly pulled out of it when he realized John was crying again, body shuddering with the force of his sobs._

_"Fuck, John, of course I'm not gonna leave you! You're everything to me, sunshine, I'm not mad at all,"he whispered, pulling back to get a good look at John's face. He kept his eyes on the floor, tears still dripping steadily down his cheeks, looking as if he had eaten something sour._

_"You're.. Not mad?"_

_"No, and I could never be mad at you."_

_"And you won't leave me?"_

_"Never. Unless you want me to, anyways."_

_"Never,"John said quickly, finally looking at Alex, relief dancing in his eyes. "Do you promise that, though? You'll love me always? "_

_"I promise. I'll love you 'til the sun stops shining, and even after that,"Alex confirmed, watching as John's face slowly lit up at the words. Alex didn't need it to be said back, could tell by his soft smile that John felt the same way._

_"Come on, now. We'll clean you up and then get you to bed,"Alex said, a little too firmly, but John didn't seem to care, that same smile staying on his face, constant and warm. God, how did Alex manage to get so lucky?_

_"Awe, you care about me."_

_"Obviously I do. Think I just go around telling people I'll love them forever? I'm offended that you think so little of me, John Laurens."_

_"You better not, or I'll be heartbroken. I'm yours until the stars die out, until this entire world dies."_

_Alex's stomach sets itself in knots, and this is the exact moment he realizes he wants to spend forever with John, wants to call him his husband. He goes out to buy a ring the very next day, while John is still recovering from his hangover and the ache of a good fight._

_Alex never gets to ask him._

 

"Okay, so I got you a banana and some milk because that seems like enough to last you until morning, but if you make any dirty jokes I will actually throw myself out the window,"John saI'd nonchalantly, walking back into the room with a peeled banana and a glass of milk in hand. 

Alex jumped, having been lost deep in thought, and the action startled John enough that he almost dropped the items he is holding. He raised a brow at Alex, setting the glass down on the bedside table. 

"Are you okay? Sorry if I scared you or whatever, what were you thinking about?"he asked, holding the banana out to Alex, and he graciously accepted it, took a bite to avoid talking. John sat on the bed once again, and Alex cuddled up to him despite his nerves, because no way was he ever going to turn down an opportunity to cuddle John Laurens. John instinctively curled an arm around Alex, laying a sweet kiss on the top of his head. 

Alex couldn't look at him, still stuck in between his memories and right now, a mix that made his chest feel hollow. John was his, but not really, not truly, and he never would be. 

But he had been at some point

He had been Alex's everything, still was, and they had been happy, hadn't they? The love in the memory had seemed genuine, was almost enough to chase away the ice in his blood. 

"Hey, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to,"John said gently, resting his forehead against Alex's temple. Alex inhaled sharply, almost choked on the banana he had in his mouth.

Wouldn't be the first time he's choked on a banana-

"No! It's fine, I just..."Alex trailed off, once he properly swallowed the food in his mouth. Was he allowed to talk about this? Would it be strange to talk about an aspect of their relationship that had meant so much to him? 

Was Alex able to admit that he had planned to propose to him the night they broke up? 

"Just reminiscing, I guess,"he finished, taking another bite of his banana and leaning heavily against John. John's hold on him tightened just a fraction, but it was enough to let Alex know he understood. 

John let out a soft 'oh', didn't protest when Alex wrapped his free arm around his waist. Alex wondered what was going through his head, wondered if his thoughts were moving in the same direction as his own. 

"Do you... Want to talk about it more?"John asked, though his tone was unsure, like he didn't entirely trust himself to be able to. 

"Is it okay if we do? "

"why wouldn't it be? "

"Stop answering my questions with more questions,"Alex grumbled, throwing the banana peel at John once he was done with it. John let out an affronted grunt, tossing it to the floor instead.

"I just don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything, is that so wrong?"

"I mean, I'm sure this situation is sort of uncomfortable either way."

"Well, yeah, but we haven't really talked since... I mean, like, actual talks,"John stated, and Alex could hear the small tremor in his voice, could tell he was trying to make it seem like it wasn't having an effect on him.

"Guess you're right, we've been a little distant."

"I didn't want us to be, though. I wanted us to just go back to the way we were before everything, and i know that's a stupid thought to have, but you're my best friend. Or, were my best friend, I really can't tell most days. I don't know what's going on in that head of yours, and sometimes it seems like you want me to know, but how am I supposed to if you never actually talk to me? What am i supposed to do with silence?"

Alex was taken aback by John's honesty, by the genuine hurt that seeped into his tone. He had thought John wanted space, wanted to be as far away from him as he could be. Then again, communicating had really never been Alex's strong suit, and maybe he really should try working on it now...

"I just assumed you wanted distance between us. I think i needed space too, though, you know?"

"No, yeah, of course! We had been together since college, course you'd need some time away from me,"John said quickly, but his voice got quieter, until it was barely even a whisper. Alex suddenly wanted to take back what he'd said.

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that. Or, maybe I did, but you have to understand where I'm coming from!"

"I don't! That's the problem, I don't, never could because you would never talk to me. God, I just need you to actually speak to me for once, like a normal person!"

"Wow, really?"Alex laughed drily, promptly pulling himself from John's hold. The words struck a chord, one John usually knew to avoid. What hurt most, though, was that he was essentially right. Alex was a hurricane, messed up everything he touched, but he believed John when he said that he didn't mind storms. There was a possibility he hadn't been telling the whole truth, though. Maybe he saw Alex the way that he saw himself; something incapable of slowing down, of showing restraint or love or emotion, not properly, at least.

some sort of monster.

John's eyes widened, as if his own statement had just been completely processed by his brain and the regret was just now making its way into his system. He reached again for Alex, stopped abruptly when he cringed away from his touch, got to his feet so he could look down at John.

"Fuck, Alex, I'm sorry-"

"No, no, you're absolutely right. I'm the reason our relationship fell apart, right? It was all me, I'm a fuck up, you don't have to say it for me to know-"

"I never said you were a fuck up, you're the farthest thing from it. Listen to me, please."

"No, John, you listen to me. I'm talking now, isn't that what you wanted?"he hissed, hands clenching into fists, unable to miss the way that John's eyes seemed to zero in on the action, body trembling briefly. He tried to shove down the worry that bubbled up in his stomach when John flinched. Alex stood up straighter, hoping John would get up and match his stance, but instead, he seemed to wilt. His shoulders caved in, curling in on himself just slightly, and Alex stopped breathing, aggression leaving him in a flash. John's fear was palpable.

"Okay,"he began softly, becoming docile much too quickly. The life seemed to drain from his eyes, leaving behind a shell, a body that would now numbly accept any harm bestowed upon it. He didn't even seem as if he was breathing, he just sat there, hands folded neatly in his lap, dead eyes locked onto Alex's face. He was there, but he wasn't, not really, retreating into his own head to protect himself. 

Alex wanted to throw up. 

He carefully sat down on the bed again, unclenched his fists. John blinked at the action, and the utter confusion on his face made Alex's heart crack. Of course John had expected to get hurt, Alex was usually so careful-

"Hey, angel,"Alex greeted lightly, keeping space between them. He gave a small, inviting smile, watched as John hesitantly sat up straighter. The light was slowly coming back to his eyes, but he looked nervous, as if he were still afraid of being yelled at or hit or punished in some way. 

"I'm sorry, Querida. I didn't mean to scare you. I'd never hurt you."

" 's okay..."

"Do you need me to leave? Give you some time for yourself? "

"No,"John said quickly, leaning towards Alex. He quickly pulled back, though, the anxiety still evident in his face. Alex wanted nothing more than to reach forward and kiss him all over his face, hug him until that anxiety disappeared. 

" 'm sorry, babygirl,"he apologized meekly, looking down at where his hands rested in his lap. Alex cringed at the apology, hands itching to reach forward and hold his. John looked like a scolded child, still wary of Alex's gaze on him. Guarded. 

"Hey, no, no, don't say you're sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for, you did nothing wrong. I got too riled up, I should have kept my mouth in check. I'm sorry, baby,"he breathed, watched John's glance at him, start to lean forward like a moth drawn to flame. Alex scooted closer, cautiously wrapped a hand around his wrist and tugged him forward. John went easily, relaxed into his hold, let out a soft sigh. 

"No, I do have to apologize. I shouldn't have pushed you so far, we don't have to talk about this-"

"I want to, though. I mean, if you still want to, of course."

There was a long pause, and for a moment he thought John was asleep, knew he wasn't when he gripped onto Alex's arm tightly. He began to shake, felt him nod. 

"Talk to me,"he said quietly, cleared his throat so his voice would stop trembling. "I'll listen. I promise."

Alex took in a deep breath, laid back down, taking John with him. He didn't complain, though, simply curling around Alex further, head resting sweetly on his chest. Still kept a vice grip on his arm, like he was just waiting for Alex to leave so he could pull him back. 

"It was just hard. Being here. Talking to you. I valued our friendship, I still do, but I just,"Alex stopped himself, squeezed his eyes shut, felt John kiss his chest, right over his heart,  as a sign of encouragement. Alex hated the way that it sated him, made the frantic buzzing starting in his head die down. John was still silent, obediently waiting for him to continue, ever considerate. Considerate even though Alex didn't deserve it, even though Alex had snapped so badly. 

Alex really hadn't deserved him in the first place. 

It must have been some sort of mistake made by the universe. An error, a beautiful error that made John slip into his life, into his arms and bed and heart. It hurt, but Alex would bare the pain for a lifetime, would let it kill him over and over again in every life if it meant that the same mistake would always be made. A life without John was not worth living, was not worth experiencing. Alex would do anything to keep some part of him close. 

"I saw more,"Alex said simply, felt the weight on his shoulders lighten. 

"I wanted... to marry you. Then it was over, and I just couldn't handle looking at you anymore. You were my entire world, still are, and I couldnt look at you and know I lost that. "

John stayed silent for a long pause, let the words said sink in. Alex waited patiently, petting his head affectionately. There was the smallest inkling of nervousness in his stomach, but he felt good, felt alive. 

"I wanted that, too. Wanted to get married, wake up to you every morning, maybe even have kids. Fuck, I didn't even ever entertain the thought of being a dad until I was with you,"John said, hushed and so, so soft. Alex held him just the slightest bit tighter, head flashing full o fantasies. Imagined John holding a baby, their baby, cooing to them gently and laying them down for a nap, looking at them with that fondness that John reserved specifically for the people he loved. 

He would be a great dad. 

Alex would've ruined everything. 

"I guess I realized that I just couldn't compare to certain things, though. I didn't want to hold you back, didn't want you to resent me,"John said, with an air of finality. Alex didn't dare open his mouth, didn't tell him about the ring that still sat in the top drawer of his work desk, just a couple of feet away. Didn't breathe a word about the vows he had began to write, the ones he still held in his heart, the vows that Alex would keep even if they weren't together. 

He kept everything-ring, vows, poems and songs and letters- in a neat little box, kept all his words tucked into a small corner in the back of his brain. If anything, he'd make sure neither ever saw the light of day. 

"I could never resent you,"was all he muttered, and John chuckled, let his grip on Alex's arm loosen, relax. 

"If you insist. We're still friends, yeah?"John questioned, tone light and childlike, and Alex ignored the way his blood ran cold at the word 'friends'. 

"Always,"Alex responded, echoing John's words from earlier, meant it completely. Alex could live with being just friends, would always love John anyways. 

John made a vague happy noise, yawning quietly and snuggling into Alex. Alex smiled at this, pulled the blanket around them, brushed a curl away from John's face. 

"Sleep, baby,"he uttered, and John grinned tiredly, let his eyes close. In a matter of seconds, his breathing evened out, gentle and warm. Alex exhaled, let his own eyes closed, tried to not let his thoughts prod at that small corner in the back of his head. 

 

_I vow to give you every part of my soul. I would give you all of my heart, but you don't need me to say that, because you already have it. As long as I live, I will try my best to do right by you. I promise that I'll love you, even if you don't love yourself, won't love yourself. I'll hold you for as long as you need me to, will come home to you as long as you'll let me. If you need me to, I'll take the air from my lungs and put it into yours. I'll lift the weight off your shoulder, hold it for you.  I promise love through good and bad times, through triumphs and tragedies. I'm not perfect, but I vow to strive to be someone you can love._

_Most importantly, I vow to love you for always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to include more but then it got too long so  
> It sucks but I tried  
> Comments and kudos are appreciated!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very badly written but y'know I wanted to keep it kinda short???  
> I'm sorry for everything.  
> Hopefully this chapter doesn't hurt too much though  
> Also this chapter is very dialogue heavy so

Alex wakes up to sunshine on his face and a warm weight on his chest.

He is confused for a moment, before his brain quickly supplies him with the memories of yesterday, and he can't help but let out a soft, happy squeal. He looks down at the sleeping man on his chest, heart sighing at how content he looks. John is softer in sleep, face relaxed and free of worry. Soft brown tendrils of hair fall into his face, and Alex carefully tucked them behind his ear. John began to stir slightly, a small groan falling from his plush, open mouth. 

"Morning, angel,"Alex mumbled fondly, laughed at the way John beamed, stubbornly keeping his eyes shut. 

"Morning, darlin',"John replied, voice raspy with sleep, his southern drawl slipping into his words. Alex loved it whenever John fell back into his accent, found it far too adorable. It was especially adorable in this moment, with John holding onto Alex as if he were a stuffed bear. 

"We have to get up soon. We have work,"Alex prodded gently, snorting when John whined loudly. 

"Our students can educate themselves!"John insisted, eyebrows furrowing slightly. Alex brought a hand up, smoothing out the wrinkle between his brows. The action made John smile softly, let out a giggle, and Alex is actually going to die from how cute his ex is, isn't he? 

"Our students need us, you know that,"Alex retorted, kissing the top of his head, John melting at the gesture. 

"Not me. No one needs me,"he stated casually, making Alex sigh. John always said things like this so easily, as if it came as naturally to him as breathing did. It greatly concerned Alex, considering he thought John was one of the best things in existence. 

Okay, early morning self deprecation. Alex could handle this. 

"Does that mean I'm no one then?"Alex asked innocently, snickering when John's cheeks flushed red. 

"Shut the fuck up."

"Ah, yes. I feel the love."

"You're embarrassing."

"You're the one who befriended me. Too late to take it back now, by the way, you're stuck with me,"Alex said stubbornly, pride surging through him when John practically cackled. 

"Wow, what an ugly laugh."

"Didn't I tell you to shut the fuck up? Besides, you're the one that dated me, so obviously you like my ugly laugh,"John shot back. Alex opened his mouth to argue, found he had no retorts, and closed his mouth again. John was completely right, it was that same stupid laugh that made Alex fall in love with him in the first place. Curse John and his sound logic-

John finally blinked his eyes open, looking up at Alex happily. Pools of emerald green shone with delight, made soft by how sleepy John was. Alex could look at him for ages and never get tired of it. 

"God, you're gorgeous,"Alex breathed absentmindedly, earning a shy kiss on the cheek from John. Alex suddenly found that he would also rather not go to work, would prefer to just stay here with John in their own little bubble. It was safe, loving, everything that had been missing from their friendship for so long. 

"Right back at ya,"John whispered into his skin, fingertips dancing across Alex's chest, and Alex all but melted beneath him. John always knew exactly what to do to turn Alex into a puddle. 

"Damn right I am,"he joked, causing John to roll his eyes and sigh loudly. Alex tightened his arms around John, preventing him from leaving, just in case he got the idea to. 

"What are these lies? No one's going to want to marry your ugly ass-"

"You said yesterday you wanted to be the father of my children so-"

"I hate you, never speak to me again,"John said calmly, trying to break free from Alex's hold. Alex did his best to keep holding him, though it was hard when he was laughing so hard that his stomach hurt. 

"Oh my God, Jack, that'd be impossible we live together-"

"I'm moving out, goodbye forever, you angry leprechaun-"

"Are you insulting my height? Big words coming from the dude who begged me to fuck him yesterday-"

"I am young and a little stupid, I make mistakes all the time."

"Is getting fucked in the ass one of them? "

"Do I have to threaten you with sending your nudes to Jefferson again?"John questioned lightly, and Alex froze, wrinkling his nose in disgust. 

"I'm offended that you still sleep with him,"he grumbled, suddenly feeling as though his skin was too tight. Thinking about John with anyone else made him sick to his stomach, but he tried to push back his nausea. Of course he couldn't get jealous, shouldn't get jealous, because John wasn't his, John was free to do whatever he wanted, whoever he wanted. 

John hummed noncomittaly, though his face was suddenly serious, eyes flashing with that same emotion that Alex couldn't quite pin. 

"If you want me to stop sleeping with someone, all you have to do is ask,"he said calmly, but there was a hint of something else to his tone, like he was searching for a specific answer. Alex searched his face, tried to read him better, came up empty and more confused. 

"Of course not. If you want to sleep with someone, so be it. Long as you're safe, I have no problem with it. Besides, not like I own you,"Alex said, shrugging his shoulders. It must've not been what John was looking for, because his gaze hardened, a ghost of a frown on his face. 

"Guess you have a point,"John stated, looking away, and Alex could've kicked himself. How did he keep managing to mess this up? Why couldn't he just make good decisions? 

 "I mean, just tell me when you're gonna stay out with someone so I know not to worry."

"What about tonight?"John asked hurriedly, eyes boring into Alex's. Alex felt the nausea come back full force, shifted his gaze away. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, felt as though getting out words would be impossible. It stung, knowing John was already thinking about sleeping with someone else, especially after last night, especially while he was still in Alex's arms. All the hope that John night still have feelings for him was immediately crushed with the reminder that they were just friends. This is just sex. 

Alex grit his teeth, nodded slowly. He hoped John would accept it as a good enough answer, and that he wouldn't notice how he was avoiding looking at him. If he did look at him, he might do something stupid, like burst into tears or tell him that he loved him-

"Thanks,"John said, the single word dipped in sugar, so sweet that it made Alex feel even more sick. John kissed his collarbone tenderly, before shifting off of Alex to get up. He didn't even try to prevent him from leaving, simply let him go. Wasn't the first time he let him go, anyways.

Though, it really didn't matter. His heart never could seem to let go. 

"Are you going to get up?"John asked, standing and stretching.

Alex admired his back, admired the groups of freckles littering his skin. Alex's lips had most likely touched each one, every star on John's flesh. He had ran his fingertips over them, mapped out his own constellations, ones that even the actual stars in the night sky couldn't compare to. Alex wanted nothing more than to reach out, to map out those constellations again, take back what used to be his. 

"Earth to Alex,"John said loudly, startling him. John was looking over his shoulder at him, a brow quirked in inquiry. Alex shook his head, got to his feet and quickly moved to exit the room, found he couldn't stand the strange and sudden rift between them any longer. 

"Hey, what the fuck?Are you okay?"John asked, following him when Alex walked briskly past him and into the living room. He didn't answer, continuing on his path to the kitchen to brew some coffee. 

"You're behaving kind of strangely, cariño,"John mumbled, still right on his heels, and Alex suddenly felt a little bad for not saying a word to him. It's just, he can't, not right now, not when he knows John will probably be looking at him with big imploring eyes. John would frown just the tiniest bit, and Alex would find himself vomiting up all his hidden feelings. That's not what he needs right now, _thank you very much_. 

Alex got to work with the coffee maker, pointedly not even so much as glancing in John's direction. As the coffee brewed, he leaned back against the counter, stared down at his bare feet. He was being unreasonable, he completely understood that, but feelings are hard, being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same is hard.

John's feet came into Alex's view, unsure and hesitant, and Alex would be lying if he said his nervous shuffling wasn't adorable. Alex could practically feel the heat coming off of John in waves, warming his skin and heart, tempting Alex to just look at him and test how close they really were. 

"Alexander?"John said nervously, tentatively cupping Alex's cheek with his palm. It was strange but lovely to hear; John usually didn't like to say his full name, thought a simple 'Alex' or any of the many nicknames he had for him was just as endearing.  Alex couldn't help but lean into the touch, let his eyes slide shut in bliss. John let out a soft, relieved sigh, and Alex could physically feel the tension lessen just a fraction between them. 

 "C'mon, talk to me, babygirl,"he muttered, warm breath fanning over Alex's face. If he leaned forward just the tiniest bit, their lips would probably touch-

" 's nothing. Just need my coffee,"Alex responded, though his tone wasn't convincing even to himself. John gave an agreeable hum, one that said he didn't believe a word that came out of Alex's mouth, but he didn't push. That was John, after all, being perfectly skilled at reading Alex like an open book. He knew when to take a step back, but he also knew when to push and when to pull. Their friends considered it something like a talent, knew that if Alex was pushing himself too far, the first person to call should be John. They worked together like a well oiled machine, could have been beautiful together. 

They _had_ been beautiful together. 

"Well, sweetheart, I'm hoping you're not planning on having just coffee for breakfast,"John stated, a change of subject that Alex was grateful for. John smoothed his thumb over the delicate skin beneath Alex's eyes, where there were most likely dark circles lying stubborn and prominent like bruises. Alex purred slightly at the contact, startled slightly when John swiftly pressed his lips to Alex's. 

It lasted for a single second, and Alex's eyes shot open to watch John pull away altogether. He padded over to the cupboard, opening it and pulling out a packet of poptarts. 

"Do you want any?"he asked, facing away from Alex, but Alex only stared with wide eyes. He shook himself out of his shock, clearing his throat gently. 

"Nah. Poptarts are trash." John whipped around at the statement, eyes narrowing at Alex. Everything about his face screamed 'Bitch, first of all-'.

"Excuse me? Poptarts are proof that God exists."

"You sure about that, baby? Poptarts are just overhyped cookies."

"Never speak to me again. I can't believe I ever dated you. I can't believe I ever loved someone who says such lies about poptarts!"

Alex snorted, glad that the tension between them had completely disappeared. Above everything else, they were best friends, family even, and Alex would never stop cherishing the easy moments that they shared. 

John continued to glare at him as he opened the packet,somehow managing to munch aggressively on a poptart. Alex rolled his eyes, picking up his coffee once it was done and pouring himself a cup. 

"Not my fault that poptarts are garbage. They're so _bad_ for you."

"Alexander Hamilton, the man known to overwork himself until he passes out, lecturing me on things that are bad for you? The hypocrisy is incredible,"John scoffed, words muffled by his mouthful of food. 

 "John, sweetheart, please swallow your food before you speak."

"since when are you so prim and proper? I wasn't aware you were such a _princess_."

Alex calmly sipped his coffee, maintaining steady eye contact with the other man. The slightest bit of heat shot through his veins at the taunt, and he prayed it didn't show on his face just how much he _liked_ it.  He gave a small smile, the prettiest one he could manage, and batted his lashes. John's cheeks glowed a soft pink, watching as Alex put down his coffee and sauntered across the room to him. 

"Am I a pretty princess?"he purred, gently placing a hand on his chest, trailing it up to his shoulder. John shivered slightly, and swallowed hard, audibly. For a second, Alex was worried that he might choke on his last bite of poptart. 

"The prettiest,"John whispered in response, and Alex's smile dropped. That certainly wasn't what he expected. He was expecting for John to laugh it off and shove him away, not for John to go all sweet and blush-y. This definitely wasn't good for Alex's heart. 

" 'm I your princess, then?"Alex murmured, looking up at him through his lashes, the space between them quickly dwindling. John bit his lip, an action that Alex's eyes were immediately drawn to, before quickly flicking back to meet John's gaze. 

"Dunno. Do you want to be?"he asked, keeping his voice low. Alex shivered, subconsciously leaning closer. Their lips were mere centimeters apart, and the air all around them felt heavy, charged with electricity. Alex was unsure of whether or not his heart was even beating at this point. 

"I'll be anything you want me to be,"Alex breathed, the syllables coming out a little shaky. He found it impossible to tear his eyes away from John's, his entire body feeling like it was on fire. John's pupils were so big, swallowing almost all the color in his eyes. He looked at Alex as if he were the sea and the sky, infinite and deep and beautiful, and Alex wanted to drown in whatever feeling there was between them. They were breathing the same air, bodies fitting together perfectly as they always had, and If he moved just the _tiniest bit closer-_

Alex's phone beeped loudly in the distance, and they jumped away from eachother, Alex almost punching John in the face. The noise was jarring, to say the least, and Alex was unsure if he should be thankful for the interupption or not. 

"Is that your alarm for work?"John asked, and Alex decided to not comment on how breathy his voice sounded, how red his cheeks were. Alex nodded stiffly, running a hand through his hair, tugging on the strands the slightest bit. John didn't say another word, trudging to his room, abandoning his poptart on the kitchen counter. 

Alex let out a heavy breath, his heart rate beginning to slow. Had they been having a moment? They had to have been, right? What else could it have been, they were practically staring into each other's souls! Last time Alex checked, that was pretty gay. Maybe he'd read it wrong, though. Maybe it was just some sexual tension, nothing romantic. 

Even then, Alex couldn't deny that his skin was still singing from being so close to John. That was just a part of Alex's everyday life, though;getting utterly and completely enraptured whenever John so much as smiled that sunshine smile in his direction. 

He pushed the thoughts away with a frustrated huff, walking back to his coffee. He downed the rest of it in one gulp, leaving the cup in the sink and rushing to his room to change. After all, he still had work, and if he wasn't ready by the time John was, John would most definitely leave him to walk alone. 

He considered showering, but decided his hair wasn't disgustingly greasy yet. He could just put on a heavy amount of deodorant or something to compensate. He got dressed in record time, fixing his hair into a semi presentable ponytail just as John burst into the room. 

"Come on, we gotta go, go, go! We promised 'liza we'd help her come up with her new seating charts!"

Alex groaned in response, flopping back onto his bed, glaring up at John. 

"I don't want to go to school,"he complained, burrowing underneath the covers, ignoring the way John sighed loudly. 

He curled up into a ball, enjoying the privacy the covers allowed him. He let the darkness embrace him, let his eyes slide closed. Sure, he knew he had to go to work at some point, but for now he was going to be a sleepy burrito. 

He felt the bed dip down next to him, figured John must be laying down so he could poke him to demand he get up. Alex grumbled, curling up tighter. He'd go to work eventually, but he'd be damned if he went just because John told him to. 

"Hey,"John said softly, and Alex could feel his strong arms wrap around his midsection. Alex's grumbling immediately ceased, going lax in John's hold. Alex peeked his head out of his blanket burrito, being met with warm eyes the color of a forest. 

"Hey,"Alex responded, just as soft, voice full of adoration for the man holding him, and John chuckled softly, pressing his lips to Alex's. Alex instantly kissed back, let the love in his heart bubble up and overflow. It was so easy to let John show him mindless affection, so easy to forget what they really were, and Alex welcomed it wholeheartedly. John pulled back slowly, tugging at Alex's bottom lip with his teeth, making Alex's toes curl.

"Work now,"John muttered against his lips, and Alex sighed, resting his forehead against John's for a moment before nodding. John was right, they were already somewhat late to help Eliza, and if they were any later Angelica would probably kill them. 

Alex hastily unrolled himself, though he did slightly miscalculate, and he landed on the floor with a thud and a pained moan. John, ever the angel, helped him up and kissed him all over his face, making sure he was alright(after he had stopped laughing, anyways)

They made quick work of collecting the things they needed for the day after that, slipping on their shoes and sweaters at the door. Alex tossed John's keys to him, which were caught easily, and in turn, John kissed Alex one last time, chaste and sweet. 

Then they were out the door, making the short walk to the highschool where they worked, Alex's heart doing little flips whenever John laughed at something he said. 

It'd be a little rough later when John went out, but at least he was here with Alex right now, at least Alex was the one he came home to. 

And if Alex slipped his hand into John's and held on tight for the rest of the walk, it was no one's business but their own.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter done!!  
> This is short I'm sorry  
> Next chapter we get to see more of the gang and get a liiiittle more info on the breakup ™️  
> Please leave comments and kudos!! They give me lots of fuel to write faster!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex jerked as if he had been slapped, eyes widening at the accusation. What had lead John to that conclusion? Just the idea of it sickened Alex ; he loved John fiercely, no one else could compare to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi IDK how schools work this might be very inaccurate whoops.  
> Also it's very short  
> This took a while to finish because  
> 1\. I am still trying to finish my freshman year of highschool  
> 2\. I am depressed af

As soon as the pair entered the highschool, they were greeted by one deeply upset Angelica Schuyler. 

"I'm sorry, boys, did you forget you have a job? Seems you're late,"she drawled, loudly slurping her coffee, hand on her hip, and to say she was intimidating would be the understatement of the year. Alex was sure she could freeze hell over with her stare. 

"We're not late, though. Most students aren't even here yet. It's way before first bell,"John argued, copying her stance, and Alex's heart fluttered at the realization that John hadn't let go of his hand yet. 

"You're right there, but you did promise to help my dear baby sister. What, get caught up in other acts?"she snickered, looking down at their joined hands and raising an eyebrow. Alex would have protested, but she was entirely right, and besides, John's cheeks turned the cutest shade of red so Alex was definitely not complaining. 

"Whatever, 'gelica, you're just mad that you're not getting laid,"John hissed, eyes narrowing. Angelica scoffed at the statement, eyes going big and round in shock. 

"I am not! What- Why- How could you even say something like that?"she questioned, pitch getting higher as she went, and John laughed at the way she blushed furiously. 

"It's okay, sweet Angelica,"Alex said, deciding this was the perfect moment to join the conversation. "You'll get some eventually. After all, you're not at all bad in bed."

Alex punctuated the sentence by looking Angelica up and down, winking as she gawked at him. Before she could say another word, Alex started off to the break room to find Eliza, dragging John with him. Alex tried his hardest to ignore the fact that John was now cackling, but he joined him anyways, and they had to stop momentarily, leaning on each other to avoid falling over.

"Her face, oh my God,"John wheezed, holding on tightly to Alex's hand, to which Alex laughed his agreement. 

"Think I took it too far? "

"Nah, you always flirt with her. This time was no different,"John replied, beginning to calm down finally. 

"I guess you're right, but I feel sort of bad joking with her like that after sleeping with her,"Alex admitted sheepishly. John's grip on his hand tightened suddenly, but it loosened again in an instant , and he rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. 

"Alex, it's probably fine. Besides, if it bothered you so much, you would stop joking with her like that, or stop sleeping with her. You haven't done either, so ,therefore,  you must not feel that bad."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware you were suddenly an expert of all my emotions, able to read my mind flawlessly,"Alex fired back, glaring at John with heat. 

"Don't pretend to be so surprised. I am the best at dealing with you,"John sang, grinning when Alex let out a groan. 

"You say that like I'm hard to deal with."

"That's because you are,"John scoffed, letting go of Alex's hand. Alex pouted, ready to protest to the action, before realizing John did it so he could open the door for him. Alex hadn't realized they were already outside of the teacher's lounge. 

John gestured for Alex to walk through the door with a flourish, giving his most charming smile. Alex laughed lightly, miming a curtsy, before entering the room, John following after. 

Eliza sat at a table in the corner, hair put in a neat bun, strands falling out strategically to frame her face. She clicked her pen rapidly, frowning down at a paper in front of her adorably.

Alex always referred to her as 'the one that got away' but really, he had already been head over heels for John when he met her, and dating her, while lovely, felt more like an attempt at a distraction. 

 Eliza looked up from the paper at John and Alex's entrance, a big smile gracing her features. 

"Oh, finally, you guys are here! Hurry and help me with this, my First Class starts soon,"she said in a dizzying rush, moving her hands in a frenzy as she spoke. 

John laughed at her flapping hands, pulling up a chair beside her, and Alex followed suit. The paper was covered in boxes, presumably the desks in Eliza's classroom. Some had names in them, others had names that had been scratched out. The entire thing looked like a mess. 

"I don't know where to put some of these kids! Vanessa and Lin get along so well, and I kind of want to put them near eachother to see if they'll get together, but at the same time, what if they talk too much? Oak and Daveed are such good friends and they always have excellent debates together, but also they are quite... Rowdy, if I'm being honest,"Eliza rambled, the frown returning to her face. Alex and John nodded along, listening intently to her stream of words. She let out a long suffering groan, her head making a dull thud when it connected with the table. 

"Help me,"she whined, and John hummed, patting the back of her head soothingly. Alex bit his lip to suppress a laugh, earning a stern glare from John.

"Breathe for a second, Bets. I'm sure wherever you put these kids will be fine,"Alex cooed, joining John in comforting her. She perked up at that, lifting her head from the table. 

"You guys really think so?"she asked, voice unsure. She looked between the two of them, then down at the seating chart. 

"Of course. Those kids love you, 'Liza,"John assured, giving a warm smile. He paused for a moment, and Alex could almost see the gears turning in his brain. 

"I, for one, though, do completely support your idea of putting Lin and Vanessa and Oak and Daveed together. I think it's important to make sure the kids are comfortable with the people around them,"he pointed out, Alex nodding his agreement. 

"yeah,"Eliza mumbled, brows threading together in thought. "And if they get to noisy, I can always just move them."

"So, is that all the help you needed? Pretty sure first period starts in 10 minutes,"Alex stated, glancing at the clock hanging on the wall. Eliza and John also looked at the clock, eyes widening at the time. 

"Shit, more like 10 seconds,"John muttered, standing abruptly. Eliza's eyes narrowed at his cursing, and John threw a small, apologetic smile in her direction. Eliza shook her head fondly, also getting to her feet. 

"I think that's about it. My other seating charts are all already sorted out. We should get to class, I can't keep my US history students waiting,"she mumbled, gathering her things in her arms. 

"See you guys during lunch break?"she asked, bouncing on her heels. Both John and Alex nodded, John pulling Alex to his feet. 

"Alright, thanks for your help!"Eliza called over her shoulder, darting out of the room. John watched as she left, before turning his head to look at Alex.

"Are you walking with me after school?"he asked gently, taking Alex's hand in his, bringing it up to kiss his knuckles. Alex felt the heat rush to his face at the action, let out an awkward chuckle. 

"yes, obviously. I mean, I don't think I have any reason to stay back,"Alex corrected himself quickly, cheeks flushing further. John snorted at his awkwardness, pulling him closer and kissing the tip of his nose tenderly.

"See you later, then, babygirl,"he whispered affectionately, letting go of Alex. Alex mourned the loss of John's warmth, sighing and exiting the teacher's lounge with John. 

Alex waved at John as they went their separate ways, a goofy smile plastered to his face. He ignored the knowing looks he received from his students as he made his way to his classroom, ignored the way those looks made his heart clench painfully in his chest. 

When they had been together, John and Alex had been very open about it. When they broke up, their students seemed to sense it, and Alex was unsure of how to feel about the sympathetic glances they sent his way. 

 His days were usually chock full of students looking at him sadly. Usually, Alex could handle it just fine, could make it through the day with a smile on his face, teach his English classes as best he could. Today was different, though. 

Today, John's words from earlier still bounced around his brain. The day would pass, they'd walk home together, and John would go and sleep with some lucky stranger. The thought made Alexander's stomach churn, and he pondered whether he should make a quick stop to the bathroom to throw up. 

He breathed deeply, urged his kind to quiet down as he stepped into his classroom. He couldn't be bitter about their relationship as it was, especially when he was the cause of it. 

Students flooded into his room, and he sat at his desk, smiling the same broad smile he always did. The students took out the book they were currently analyzing (Romeo and Juliet) and talked amongst themselves, and Alex still felt as though he might throw up. 

The bell rang, and Alex sprang to his feet. 

"Good morning, everyone! Today we're acting out act three, scene one! Anthony, mind giving us a recap of the end of act two?"Alex called, and Anthony grinned, launching into his explanation.

Alex went through the motions, assigned roles for the day, but his mind still wandered. 

 

_"Where have you been?"John asked, the first thing Alex heard when he walked through the door. He jumped, surprised to come home to find John still awake._

_"Nowhere,"he replied quickly, too quickly if John's glare was anything to go by._

_"You seriously expect me to believe that?"John questioned, laughing in disbelief._

_"You've been leaving and coming home late for a week now, don't lie to me,"he growled, crossing his arms. There was a fine tremor about him, and he looked down at the floor, gnawing at his bottom lip._

_"Angel, what are you saying?"Alex asked softly, brows furrowed in confusion. He was exhausted, long hours of work and little sleep catching up to him, but he'd be damned if they didn't talk this out._

_"Is... "John trailed off, wrapping his arms around himself tightly. His eyes were glassy, starting to shine with unshed tears. "Is there someone else? "_

_Alex jerked as if he had been slapped, eyes widening at the accusation. What had lead John to that conclusion? Just the idea of it sickened Alex ; he loved John fiercely, no one else could compare to him._

_"What?"he breathed, heart stopping at the pained look on John's face._

_"I'm not dumb, Alex. The coming home late, the secrets, late night calls and whispers? Don't tell me that's not suspicious,"John explained, his trembles intensifying._

_"John, wait-"_

_"No! Tell me the truth! Who are they?"John exclaimed, head snapping up to look at Alex. Alex scoffed, shaking his head._

_"There's no one but you,"he mumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets. His hand closed around the object he put there; the ring was cool in his grasp, smooth and perfect, and his heart tore open the slightest bit._

_"Then what is it?"John implored, gaze softening. Alex visibly deflated, shuffling his feet._

_"Can't tell you. It'd ruin everything,"he whispered, flinching when John laughed loudly, humourlessly._

_"Wow, you're so full of shit!"he exclaimed, pacing back and forth. Alex huffed angrily, crossing his arms impatiently._

_"You're the one that doesn't trust me, though! What is our love if there isn't any trust?"Alex exclaimed, running a shaking hand through his messy hair. He tugged at the strands, tried to distract from the hole that ate at his chest. It didn't work._

_"I never said I don't trust you!"John said, hot and angry, and Alex faltered at the tears spilled from his eyes. John was crying. John was crying because of him._  
_"Truth be told, I would wait for you for an eternity, in every lifetime,"John began again, and Alex didn't stop him, didn't interject, knew that something important was going on between them. This isn't what Alex had been expecting when he got the part time job. And now here they were, John's eyes blazing with a barely smothered fire, as if Alex had wronged him. In truth, maybe he had._

_Alex let him down._

_" I have waited for you, over and over and over again, and I'm so tired. I thought I finally pinned you down, but it looks like I was wrong, wasn't I? Its not that I don't trust you, I trust you with my life, with all my heart and soul. You can't lie to me, though; if our roles were reversed, you would leave me. I don't think you care about me anymore, maybe you never did, and for a while that didn't matter to me, but don't pretend like I'm the one who left you alone. Don't pretend like you're the one who got hurt, because you have hurt me over and over again, and I have let you! I let you,"John continued, breaking off with a whimper at the end. He hastily wiped at his eyes, and Alex longed to move forward, to hold his entire world in his hands and wipe away the tears from those pretty green eyes._

_"The sad part is I loved you. I loved you, and I still do. Go ahead and leave, though. If you do, don't expect me to still be waiting."_

_Alex's heart pounded in his chest. His love, his entire life, was staring at him so expectantly, and this was all just so much, why couldn't they just talk about this in the morning?_  
_Actually, yes, that was perfect. Alex would leave, go to his side job, and by morning this would all be some little misunderstanding._

_Even as the thought came to his mind, Alex did not believe it to be true. If he left, he could say goodbye to the little life they'd built together. They'd built sprawling castles, a future full of love and light and the both of them together for the rest of their lives. Countless hours spent nestled in each others arms, smiling and dreaming aloud about kids and a house and a dog would all go straight down the drain, and how could he possibly let go of the only person who gave him a reason to move forward? In a world full of things that had pressed down firmly on his chest, John had come along and reminded him to breathe. Alex was a storm, the rain and the lightning and thunder that chased everyone away. John was the sunlight that came after, the warm golden rays that made drops on grass glow like crystals. John made him gentle; John made him into a rainbow._

_But John was too good for him. John was stars, swirling and glowing ever brilliantly. He was bird songs, and soft summer nights drowned in the light of fireflies. He was rough too, but he was the kind of rain that made people come out of their houses and dance in puddles._  
_He didn't need a hurricane like Alex, a mess of broken and unwanted parts. He needed stability, someone who could love him until he loved himself just as wholly. Alex loved him more than anything, more than anyone, but Alex would only end up breaking him with his actions, with his words, because thats what Alex did._

_He crashed into everything, he tore apart everything he cared about until it was disfigured and barely recognizable. He couldnt let himself do that to John, the greatest person he'd ever known._

_This would be okay. John would be okay._

_With one last long breath, Alex turned away, and of course he didn't miss the way John inhaled sharply, as if he were struggling to breathe, but Alex's chest felt too tight and he couldn't force his lungs to work quite right and the room was so small, when had it gotten so small?_

_He took a couple of shaking steps to the door, laid his hand on the doorknob, and the silence hung around them like a thick shroud. There was a strange sense of finality to all of it, and Alex's mind screamed at him to stop, to just look at John, but he couldn't, couldn't turn to him and see that disappointment again, that betrayed look._

_"That's it, then?"John breathed out, as if the words were pulled from his throat by force. Alex could hear the edge to his voice, and he's making this worse, just stop stop stop-_  
_He turned the doorknob, opening it slowly without even so much as a glance over his shoulder. He could feel the holes John's gaze burned into his back, wasn't surprised by the bitter laugh the other man let out._  
_"Fine. Forget me. Seems like you already did. It's so easy for you, isn't it?"John asked, growing in volume, and Alex flinched just the slightest bit. The words broke off into a heart wrenching sob, and Alex heard a thud, the sound of John falling to his knees. His john._

 _This was for the best._  
_Wasn't it?_

_"All those times you said you loved me... Was that all just some sort of act? You throw around the word love like it has no meaning! That's all it is, isn't it? Just a word you can use, because you never stop to think about how your words effect other people, never stop to think about the people you hurt when you say and do whatever the fuck you want!"John rambled, voice shaking with anger, and Alex wanted nothing more than to turn back the clock entirely, to love and hold John like he deserved to be. He deserved the entire fucking world and more, but Alex could not give it to him, could he? The only thing Alex could guarantee was his love, and that wasn't enough._

_"I just wanted to be yours,"John whispered, all the fight rushing out of him with those few words. The sound of his heart shattering was audible, was felt in the strange calmness that came after._

_Alex opened his mouth._

_Alex closed it again._

_Alex said absolutely nothing._

_Alex opened the door, clicking it closed behind him._

_Alex pretended to not hear the broken sobs of his love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of that whew  
> Also all of John's angry ranting at the end is heavily based on my own damn emotions  
> I'm sort of heartbroken and all of it is aimed at my ex  
> Next time! We get more sads! Bc that's all this fanfic is! Sads!  
> PLS leave comments they make me v v happy and I love hearing what you think about the story  
> xx


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' "More beautiful than anything I've ever seen. You have such a brilliant mind, too. It's not fair. You make the entire world fall in love with you,"John muttered, and Alex sensed there was something not being said. John's eyes went glassy, shoulders weighed down by his thoughts.
> 
> Alex decided not to ask. '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of this took too long  
> Its so short too fuck  
> But on the bright side i am officially a sophomore!  
> So that's cool  
> This week has been trash i hope the writing for this chapter isn't too terrible it was su p e r rushed a hhh

The rest of the day passed by uneventfully. 

The last bell rang, and Alex said his goodbyes to his last class of the day, giving a high five to the student who read Mercutio's lines. 

He was not at all surprised to find John already waiting outside his classroom door when he was finished packing up. He was surprised, however, when John decided to lay a soft kiss on his cheek. Alex placed his hand over the spot, eyes round in awe and something like embarrassment.

"Ready to leave now?"John asked, rubbing at the back of his neck. Alex noted the way a blush sat high and pretty on his cheeks, the way he chewed on his bottom lip.

He was stunning.

"I'm- yeah,"Alex said, coughing to try calming his nerves. He subtly reached for John's free hand, pleased when he found it open, already waiting for his. His hand was warm, pulling the cold straight from Alex's palm, straight from his soul. John gave him a bashful smile, all white teeth and giddy giggles. He looked around the classroom quickly, letting out a pleased hum at it's empty state.

He leaned in, kissing Alex soundly, pushing him back, back. Alex felt his back hit the whiteboard, leaned against it. He purred softly when John licked at his bottom lip, opening his mouth easily, relishing the smooth slide of their tongues together. It wasn't the kind of kiss that was heated; it was warm and slow, making Alex's toes curl in his shoes.

With a final nip to his lip, John pulled back, tugging Alex with him so they could go home. Alex swayed for a second, feeling a little dazed and bubbly in his chest. John snorted at the wide smile on his face, tugging his hand again. This time, Alex complied. 

They walked out into the warm afternoon sun, hand in hand, and Alex couldn't help but feel soft and fuzzy inside, like floating. John seemed to glow in the sunlight, tan skin made golden, freckles lit up nicely, and Alex wanted nothing more than to press kisses all over that charming face of his, tell him how much he made his heart stutter in his chest. 

"You're gorgeous,"he said before he could stop himself, and his eyes widened with shock at himself, cheeks quickly heating up in a nervous flush.  
  
"Wait, no, I mean-"  
  
"You are too,"John said softly, cutting him off, and Alex's breath cut off at the tender look in his eyes. John's face was always an open book, one Alex could never possibly tire of reading.  
  
"More beautiful than anything I've ever seen. You have such a brilliant mind, too. It's not fair. You make the entire world fall in love with you,"John muttered, and Alex sensed there was something not being said. John's eyes went glassy, shoulders weighed down by his thoughts.  
  
Alex decided not to ask.

"Well, not like you're any different,"Alex replied lightly, hoping to break up some of the tension. He only received a tight smile in response from John, along with an unconvinced chuckle.

"I'm serious!"Alex continued, frowning up at John. John raised an eyebrow, smile forming into something like a smirk.

"You charm.... Everyone. Yes, you're beautiful on the outside, but you're just as pretty on the inside. You're forgiving, trusting to a fault, and so damn loyal,"Alex paused in his words, glanced at John to find him already watching him. Alex swallowed hard, heat settling high on his cheekbones.

"I didn't deserve you when we were together. I don't deserve you as a friend now. Sometimes I look at you, and my chest hurts, because it's not fair. What did I do to deserve you? You're the best person I've ever known,"he muttered, biting the inside of his cheek anxiously. Had that been too honest? What counted as too honest between two people who were supposed to be best friends? 

He risked a glance at John, stomach doing flips at the gentle smile that stretched across his lovely face. 

"I think all those things about you. Maybe we both got lucky,"he responded, looking up toward the sky, but Alex didn't miss the way John's smile widened a fraction.

Alex made to flop onto the couch as soon as they got home. He let out an exaggerated groan, one that John didn't comment on. Alex heard his footsteps disappear into the kitchen, perked up slightly at the sound of the fridge being opened and closed, along with other cupboards.

Alex leaned into John's palm when he placed his hand on his head. John scratched at his scalp indulgently, making Alex let out a happy little hum.

"You haven't eaten today, have you?"John asked suddenly, and Alex froze. John was correct in his assumption; Alex and John spent the majority of their lunch breaks with Eliza, talking about nothing and everything. Alex had worked on inputting grades as they talked, hadn't even stopped to eat so much as an apple.

"Course I have,"Alex responded, though his voice was shrill and unconvincing. John hummed but said nothing else. Something was placed on Alex's chest then, and he opened his eyes to see a ham and cheese sandwich.

"Eat,"John said simply, crossing his arms over his chest. Alex sighed, but didn't argue, sitting up properly and taking a bite of the sandwich.

"Gonna have to learn to take care of yourself at some point, preciosa,"John muttered, sitting close beside him, and Alex immediately snuggled close, dropping his head to John's shoulder. He let his eyes fall closed, taking in John's scent; the soft scent of apples from his bodywash mixed with the slight spice of the cologne he weared made Alex feel at home. It was familiar, it was John.

"Or you could just take care of me forever,"Alex mumbled, voice slightly muffled by the food he was chewing. John snorted, wrapping an arm around Alex's waist and pulling him closer.

"Yeah,"he started gently,"I'll take care of you forever."

Alex opened his eyes at this, drew back slightly to look up at the other man. "I was... Just kidding. You don't have to worry so much about me."

"I've already been worrying about you for years. I can keep going. Days, months, years, forever; it really makes no difference to me if I'm next to you."

There seemed to be an extra weight to John's words, one that neither of them mentioned but somehow both of them understood. Seconds passed, and Alex realized he was staring, eyes taking in every detail of John's expression; open, honest, eyes almost... Pleading?

Alex chewed the bite of sandwich for a while longer, before swallowing hard and giving a weak smile.

"Right. We'll be friends always,"he said, though his mind told him he was missing a fundamental truth. This was further supported by the way John's brows furrowed just the slightest bit in what looked to be disappointment.

"Yeah. Friends,"he confirmed, removing his arm from around Alex and standing up.

"Where are you going?"Alex called after him, panic setting into his chest. Had he said something wrong? Was John mad at him?

"Got a date,"John sang, looking over his shoulder and winking. Alex's stomach dropped, his only response a small 'oh'. He stared down at the sandwich still on his lap, appetite suddenly gone. He sighed, forced himself to take another bite anyways. John would probably nag at him if he didn't get some food into his body.

"Who's it with?"Alex asked around a mouthful of sandwich, trying to will away his evergrowing nausea.

"Jefferson," he answered, coming back out of his room with an armful of clothes. "I'm taking a quick shower than leaving. Finish your sandwich, bitch."

Alex watched him until he disappeared into the bathroom, waited until he could hear the shower running and soft music pouring from the walls. He flopped back onto the couch, forcing down the rest of the sandwich in a hurry and staring at the ceiling. He was used to John going out, used to him spending his night with whoever he wanted to.

So why did this hurt more?

He exhaled slowly, slipping out his phone and dialing the first person he thought of.

"Hello?"Eliza's phone said after the first two rings, sweet and clear.

" Yo, 'Liza,"Alex replied, trying to sound as cheery as he could manage. Eliza made a sound akin to an excited pterodactyl, and Alex held the phone away from his ear for a second.

"Alex! To what do i owe the pleasure?" She asked politely, and Alex had to smile; that was Eliza. Always getting straight to the point.

"I was wondering if you wanted to come over. As friends, not teachers, i mean."

"Of course! I should be over in ten!" She chirped, making Alex's smile widen. Eliza's enthusiasm was contagious, after all. There was a pause on the other side, a hesitation that quickly made the dread in Alex return full force.

"Is.. There something wrong, though?"Eliza asked, the concern in her voice evident. Alex loved her for it.

"I just don't want to be alone right now,"Alex admitted sadly, eyes flitting to the bathroom door just on the other side of the room.

"It's something with John, isn't it?"

Alex chose not to answer, wanting to keep whatever pride he had left intact. Eliza sighed, and Alex could hear the jangling of keys and a door shutting on her side.

"Make ten minutes five. Unlock your door for me, please."

 "You're the best, Betsey,"Alex murmured fondly, smile slowly but surely returning. She giggled, a sound that made Alex's heart swell with affection.

"You know it."

"See you in five, best of wives and women,"Alex said simply, hanging up the call then and getting up to unlock the front door. John exited the bathroom then, dressed in cuffed jeans and a pale blue sweater, looking comfortable but perfect.

Always perfect.

"You look nice,"Alex said before he could stop himself, heart thumping at the blush that colored John's cheeks.

"Thank you,"John said, voice bubbly as a gentle smile came onto his face. Alex had to look away; he was sure he'd be blinded if he dared to look at that honest smile for too long.

"I'll see you later, then?"Alex questioned, John nodding in response. He seemed to linger for a moment longer, face darkening in contemplation that confused Alex. John leaned forward then, kissing him tenderly.

"Don't sleep too late,"John muttered, and Alex couldn't help but chuckle nervously at the much appreciated closeness. 

"Dont worry, Eliza'll make sure I sleep good and early,"Alex teased, raising his hand to his forehead in a salute. John's smile faltered at that, before vanishing completely.

"Eliza? What're you guys going to do?"

Alex shrugged, the sudden tension making his skin crawl. "Probably just talk? Maybe have a sleepover. Why?"

John stared at him for a moment longer, shaking his head and turning away.

"Whatever, nothin', have fun,"he said in a rush, grabbing his keys and leaving without a second glance. It left Alex feeling more than a little puzzled and hurt. He tried his best to push it away, helpless tears springing to his eyes when he couldn't.

Hopefully Eliza would hurry and come already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments please! Let me know if i made any mistakes anywhere  
> Love y'all!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliza pressed up to his side was comforting, pleasant in a way that made his heartrate pick up the slightest bit.
> 
> She was amazing, kind and beautiful, and maybe if things were different, he'd be head over heels for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took ages to get out  
> I think im dying inside  
> Got that Bad Depression™ so ha  
> If you dont like the way i write Eliza... Whoops

Alex groaned from his spot on the couch when there was a knock at the door.

"It's already open! You told me to leave it unlocked!"he whined, pulling a pillow over his head.

"Yeah, but I'm like a vampire! You have to invite me in!" She called back, and Alex could already imagine her with a hand on her hip, pouting slightly. Eliza cared about manners, always trying to be polite. Alex rolled his eyes, stayed right where he was, wrapped up in his self misery.

"Alexander Hamilton!" Eliza's chipper voice sang, muffled by the door. She knocked again, more insistently this time, and Alex pulled himself up, trudging to the door and swinging it open. Her eyes narrowed at him, and she softly tutted before pushing past him into the apartment.

"Alex, sweetheart, I know I just saw you this morning, but you look terrible,"she muttered, slightly sympathetic. Alex closed the front door, walked into the living room to see her settling a bag onto the coffee table.

"Wow, thanks a ton,"Alex replied drily, though he couldn't deny the way his lips quirked up at the words. She always knew what to say to get him to smile.

She pulled a large, fluffy blanket from the bag, along with a pint of lime ice cream, Alex's favorite. Alex wordlessly went to get two spoons, handing them to Eliza when he returned. She plopped down onto the sofa, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders, opening her arms and gesturing for Alex to come over. 

Alex reluctantly complied, sitting down directly next to her, letting himself be pulled into a warm embrace. 

"Put on Netflix,"Eliza ordered, wrapping the blanket around Alex too and Alex wasted no time in picking up the remote and flicking the TV to Netflix. He picked up the lime ice cream, digging in with his spoon and shoveling it into his mouth. 

"What were you planning on watching?"

"I dunno, something feel good for you. Maybe... We could have a Disney marathon!"she offered excitedly, scooping ice cream into her mouth with her own spoon. Alex chuckled lightly, browsing through the kid's movies for a worthy option.

They finally settled on Hercules, cuddling up to each other as they watched. Eliza pressed up to his side was comforting, pleasant in a way that made his heartrate pick up the slightest bit.

She was amazing, kind and beautiful, and maybe if things were different, he'd be head over heels for her.

This was enough, though. Alex would never say it out loud, because it didn't have to be said, but Eliza was something like his platonic soul mate. They just... Understood each other, loved each other with nothing expected in return. Of course, John was still Alex's best friend, no competing with him, but it was still nice to have Eliza. He could talk to her about anything, including John, which always helped Alex to feel a little better.

"So,"Eliza began, just as the movie was starting to end. "Where exactly is your one true love tonight?"

Alex sighed softly, running a hand through his already mussed hair, leaning into Eliza's hold. "He's on a date. With Jefferson."

"Isn't that the french teacher that you can't stand?"

"Yeah... Honestly, he gives all the teachers who teach french a bad name!"Alex grumbled, shoulders tense as if he were ready to attack. Eliza shushed him, pulling him down until his head rested on her chest. He went lax then, wrapping his arms around her waist and sniffling.

"He's not that bad,"he mumbled after a while, wiping away the wetness beginning to build in his eyes. Eliza hummed, urged him on with a gentle pat to his head.

"I'm just worried that John actually likes him... I'm not stupid, I know Thomas is hot or whatever. He's nice to John, actually has things in common with him, and I'm just not sure how to compete with that. You know they actually text each other? John's always laughing while looking down at his phone, and when I ask, he brushes it off as just something Thomas said,"he rants, brows knitting together. He knows he probably sounds obsessive, like he feels as though he has a right to John, but that's not it.

If John did end up falling in love with Jefferson, Alex would be happy for him. He'd be best man at their wedding, tell John how he's just so happy that he's found true love. He wants John to be loved, wants him to know only happiness and light, but Alex wants to be happy, too. He wants to be happy with John. He wants to argue over what to have for dinner, wants to dance with him in their kitchen for no reason, wants to trace patterns into his skin as they lie together at night. 

He wants John to want him.

He doesn't say any of this, but Eliza nods like she understands and, really, she probably does. She pulls back to kiss his forehead, smoothing his hair back and away from his face.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about,"she says gently, and Alex wants to disagree, but her eyes are just slightly crinkled at the edges, showing him pure honesty. Alex gestures for her to continue.

"It's obvious that boy still loves you,"she explains simply, and she looks away from him for a second. Her smile is soft, almost sad, but Alex can't come up with a reason as to why. She places another kiss to his forehead, this one lingering slightly.

"You should see the way he looks at you, Alex. He looks at you like you're the answer to everything. You could probably burn everything he cares about right in front of him, and he'd thank you. He'd still love you,"she paused, choking on her words a little. Alex raises an eyebrow, silently asking if she's okay, and she gives that same sad smile as reassurance. 

"The only thing holding you back is... You. If you love him, what are you waiting for? You were quick to express your affections for him when you first met, what's different now? I know that you know that he could never hate you. Worst case scenario, he turns down your love confession and you guys stay best friends for the rest of your lives. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me."

Alex considered the words, felt himself growing lighter. This was Eliza, a woman he loved and trusted, and the things she was saying made complete sense, didn't they? After all, communication was key in any relationship, so maybe he should stop hiding. John would accept him, because that was just John's character; overwhelmingly good, wanting to love the world, wanting to love the people who loved him in return. 

So Alex... Alex would be honest. He could be honest.

"You're right, Betsey. You always are,"he teased, grinning when she let out a giggle. She pulled him in for a tight hug, and he breathed in her comforting scent of vanilla.

"I'm glad you've realize I am. Seeing you two pine after eachother for months has been miserable,"she joked back, faking a gag. Alex snorted, pulled back to look at her for a moment. Soft, dark, curious eyes gazed at him, and Alex felt so safe, so cared for in her arms. 

He tentatively leaned forward, stopped when their faces were an inch apart, eyes flitting across her face. Her breath hitched, eyelashes fluttering slightly. Her lips parted, and this shouldn't feel so different. They'd kissed before, and the kisses they shared were always completely platonic.

This was something else. Eliza was looking him expectantly with those dark eyes of hers, daring him to close the space between them, daring him to back down. She was so pretty like this, a blush high on her cheeks, and she was possibly the sweetest person he knew. This was wrong, this would be a mistake, but...

He could love her. Sure, John would accept him, but Eliza would love him, and nothing was stopping Alex from loving her in return.

"Alex,"she breathed, just above a whisper, brows furrowing adorably. She said the word like a plea, beseeching him to do something, anything. 

He closed the distance, their lips meeting ever so gently. Her lips were soft, yielding against his own, and he couldn't help but compare it to the way John kissed. John kissed like a storm, building up, thunderous, taking when he needed to. Eliza kissed like a breeze, feather soft and barely there.

They pulled apart, not meeting each other's gaze. This complicated things. Alex loved John. Eliza...

"How long have you known?"she asked softly, nervously biting at her lip. She twirled a lock of hair around her finger, tugging on it anxiously.

"How long have I known what?"

She looked up at him with wide eyes, nose scrunching up in confusion and the barest hint of frustration. She shook her head, letting out an annoyed huff.

"How can you be so dense?" She asked, though the question was directed more towards herself. Alex opened his mouth to respond, stopping when she shook her head again.

"I like you. A lot. I have for ages, probably for as long as you've been head over heels for your best friend. This doesn't have to change anything, it doesn't,"she said, voice gradually getting quieter. She reached for his hand, laced their fingers together. 

It felt strange. Her hand was smaller than John's, smoother and more delicate. Her palms were soft unlike John's, whose hands were calloused from playing guitar in his free time, calloused from using his hands to create. Her hand in his felt...

Wrong.

"It doesn't have to change anything, but if at any point you look into your heart and find that there's space for me in it, I'll be here,"she said shyly, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. Alex nodded numbly, took her into his arms and settled back into the couch.

"So, what movie next?"

"Mulan, obviously."

Alex didn't even realize he had fallen asleep until he was being woken up by strong hands cupping his face.

"Alex, darling,"a voice mumbled, and Alex slowly blinked his eyes open when he recognized the voice as John's.

"Morning, baby,"he whispered in response, smiling tiredly, and John gave a tight lipped smile. He brought a finger up to his mouth, signaling him to be quiet, before looking pointedly down at his arms. 

Alex followed his gaze, found he still held Eliza close to his chest, eyes closed and breathing softly, face innocent and relaxed. Alex smiled fondly, pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He gently laid her down on the couch, standing as he did. She stirred but didn't wake, throwing her arms around a throw pillow and sniffling. 

John wordlessly walked into the kitchen, and Alex followed him, just now realizing he was wearing a shirt that wasn't his.

"Is that Jefferson's?" Alex asked once they were in the kitchen, watching as John began to scramble eggs in a pan. John shrugged in response, and Alex frowned, approaching him and wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Have fun?"he asked, pressing a kiss to John's neck. John shivered the tiniest bit, glaring at Alex over his shoulder.

"Dunno. Did you?"he asked, though there was an underlying heat to his words. Images of last night flitted through Alex's head, of kissing Eliza and her confessing her feelings. Alex gave a sheepish smile, though he could already tell his cheeks were pink.

"Of course. I had a great time with Eliza,"he said simply. Technically not a lie, eating icecream with her and watching Disney movies had been fun. 

"Anything... Interesting happen?"John questioned, turning in his arms to face him properly. Alex could tell that he was aiming for nonchalant and missed by a long shot. 

"Yeah but- can we maybe talk about it later?"Alex asked nervously, pulling John closer. John wrapped slung his arms around his neck, smiling gently.

"If that's what you want,"he muttered. Alex realized that he most likely took pity on him because of how nervous he appeared, but honestly, it didn't matter. At least John didn't seem bothered anymore. 

Alex smiled in relief, kissing the bridge of his nose, chuckling when John wrinkled his nose. He retaliated by kissing the corner of Alex's mouth, grinning triumphantly.

"Tease,"Alex grumbled, pulling his best pout. John rolled his eyes, but it was clear that he couldn't resist the look. He sighed loudly, pulling Alex forward for a proper, loving kiss.

"Satisfied yet?"he questioned softly, eyes filled with amusement. Alex didn't think it was possible, but he fell further in love with him.

"Never,"he whispered back, chest bubbling with laughter, kissing him again. And again. And again. 

"If you don't stop kissing me the eggs are gonna burn,"John said matter of factly, pushing Alex away gently. He whined, but let John turn back to the eggs, watching as he put cheese on top. 

"Do we even have enough time to eat before school?"

"We should. We're up pretty early. We'll wake up Eliza to eat and make sure she has enough time to go home and get ready for work."

John turned the stove off, taking out three plates and forks, piling egg onto each one. He gestured for Alex to follow him as he walked back out to the living room, juggling all three plates. He set them down on the coffee table, rested a hand on Eliza's shoulder and tried gently nudging her awake.

"Eliza, hermosa, wake up please,"he said gently, smiling when her eyes groggily blinked open. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, slowly pushing herself into a sitting position.

"Hi, John,"she mumbled, smiling slowly. A light bulb seemed to go off in her brain, her smile turning into something a little more wicked, though not ill intentioned."Have fun on your date?"

 John's cheeks lit up, and Alex narrowed his eyes, wrapping his arms around his waist possesively. John didn't seem to mind, resting his hand over Alex's arm, holding him in place.

"It was fine,"he responded, sounding a little defensive. Eliza raised an eyebrow, knowing there was definitely more to the story.

"How many dates have you guys been on?"

"I'd say about... Eight now?"

"Do you like him? Is he nice to you?"

"He's not that bad, actually,"John replied, a small smile playing on his lips that made Alex's stomach turn. "He's funny. Kind of shy, actually, and really sweet."

"So you do like him?" Alex interjected, looking up at John intently. John blinked, humming in thought. Something flickered across his face, something a little wistful, but he schooled it into something more indifferent.

"I guess I could. If I got to know him better, anyways,"he clarified, and Eliza shot Alex a look from where she sat. Alex looked away, knew the message she was trying to send. If John caught feelings for Jefferson, started a serious relationship with him... Alex would be done for.

"That's besides the point! I made eggs with cheese, so we should eat before it gets cold,"John said quickly, giving a nervous smile. Alex reluctantly let go off him, picking up a plate and sitting down right next to Eliza. 

She grabbed her own plate, pressed closer to him, leaning her head against his shoulder. It wasn't out of character, but it felt different, felt like there was more intention behind it. John's brow furrowed in thought, but he didn't say a word, just grabbed his plate and sat on Alex's other side, keeping a considerable amount of space between them. 

They put something on Netflix, though Alex didn't find himself paying attention. He ate slowly, sneaking glances at John frequently. He set his plate aside once he was done, reaching his hand out blindly to tug on John's shirt. John sighed quietly, but Alex felt the couch dip down more beside him, felt John's warmth pressed against his side, felt John's hand take hold of his own.

Eliza left as soon as they were done cleaning, hugging Alex for maybe a minute too long, whispering to remember what she told him. Alex was unsure if she meant what she said about John or what she said about her own feelings.

Before he could ask, she kissed him, before saying her goodbye to John and hurrying out the door. Maybe it was just his eyes playing tricks on him, but Alex was almost sure that she blushed. 

"So... Guessing you had fun last night,"John muttered, a bitter note to his usually sweet voice. He didn't meet Alex's eyes when he looked at him, chose to stare straight down. He looked like he wasn't really there, or he didn't want to be. Alex felt like his hand would go straight through him if he reached out to touch him.

"Sure. We ate ice cream and fell asleep watching Mulan."

"That's not what I mean. I've seen you guys kiss before, that was something else entirely."

"Why do you care?"

"I don't!"John retorted, though his voice pitched up. He tugged at the shirt he was wearing, that damn shirt, and the fact that it was a little big on him would be cute if the shirt didn't belong to Thomas fucking Jefferson.

"You're right. We kissed last night, and Eliza confessed to me,"Alex said simply, crossing his arms. John's head shot up, eyes round, obviously distressed.

"What?"

"We kissed. We had been talking about... Something serious, and I kissed her, and she said that if I ever wanted to give it a shot, she'd be waiting."

He shouldn't have said it. He should have kept his mouth closed, should have at least left out the small detail that he was the one to kiss Eliza.

John stayed quiet, biting his lip harshly. Alex took a step forward, but John held up a hand, making him stop where he stood. 

"Do you... Love her?"

"No, I don't think so."

"You don't think- Jesus fuck, Alex! Why'd you kiss her then?" He exclaimed, throwing his arms up in exasperation. Alex flinched, guilt filling him up quickly. John was right to be upset, he'd essentially taken advantage of Eliza's feelings to release momentary stress.

But it hadn't felt that way in the moment.

Eliza had a wonderful soul, loved the good parts of people, liked Alex even though he was a mess. In a way, she reminded him of John. He loved her, too, just in a different way. Now it seemed all a little blurred, though, because he pictured Eliza's lips on his again and his heart sped up.

"Because I was scared and she was there for me, and I know that's no excuse, but for a moment I thought I could love her,"he babbled in a rush, watching John's eyes soften just a touch at the edges. He exhaled, crossing the space dividing them and wrapping his arms around Alex.

"Why didn't you talk to me if something was bothering you? We're best friends, I'm 'sposed to have your back."

"I couldn't talk to you about this. Plus, you had your date and I didn't want to dampen your mood."

"You know I would've canceled my date if you needed me to,"John whispered in his ear, soft and soothing. Alex nodded, let his eyes shut, trying to suppress the urge to tell John he loved him.

"I didn't want you to. You don't have to put me before other things."

"But you matter more to me than anything. Thomas is great, it's been nice getting to know him, but you are my best friend. You are my family, you're the one I think about first thing in the morning. If I had to choose between you and this entire planet, I wouldn't hesitate to pick you."

Alex nodded against him, didn't try for words in fear that he'd start sobbing. John was so close, was practically his already, but at the same time he was so far away. Alex wanted him, but he also wanted him to be happy. He wanted to shout out that he loved him, that he'd do anything he asked of him, that he was greatest thing to ever happen to him.

John Laurens was imperfect. Sometimes he got too loud, sometimes he used his fists to solve problems rather than his words. His taste in music was terrible, he befriended animals too easily, and his hair never seemed to lay quite right. 

He was perfect for Alex in every way.

"I- I-"Alex tried to get out, tried to communicate how in love he was, but his voice broke off into small sobs, and he clung onto John. John let him sob out his pain, let him cry into his shoulder until he exhausted hinself, until he barely had energy to keep himself upright. 

"We got some time before we have to be at school, how about we lie down for a while?"John suggested, and Aex nodded furiously in response. 

He stayed right next to Alex the entire time, crawled into bed beside him. Alex curled himself around John, let his breathing calm him down, let himself shake as John whispered sweet nothings into his ear.

He'd tell him eventually, especially now that he had reassurance that John cared deeply for him. Maybe he'd write a poem for it, or write a whole list of reasons as to why John was the best thing since sliced bread.

For now, having the privilege to listen to his heartbeat was enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyye leave comments and kudos! Motivates me to actually work on this :))  
> Let me know if i made mistakes(i probably did lets be honest im human garbage)  
> At this point this story is just writing itself idk whats gonna happen next ayudame  
> This fic is probs gonna have 10 chapters tho heads up


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayye this chapter is gonna focus more on mullette just to let yall know  
> Coming close to the ending my dudes  
> I have not updated in way too long and holy fuck im sorry lmao  
> But im back on a writing grind ig?? Hopefully it stays this way for a while  
> Enjoy i love yall

Alex woke up in an empty bed.

He whined softly, reaching around blindly for John, frowning when he felt only cold emptiness.

He opened his eyes reluctantly, squinting against the sunlight flowing in through his window. No John in sight.

"John?"he called out, making himself sit up. He yawned, stretching his arms up, shuffling to get out of bed.

"In the kitchen! Stay in bed!"John called back, tone sparkling with affection. Alex didn't have to be told twice. He flopped back, turning his head to his bedside table. His phone lay charging, probably plugged in by John, and Alex reached over to glance at the time.

He had slept for maybe an hour, still had a comfortable amount of time to get ready for the day. Lucky for Alex, considering he was still tired from crying his eyes out earlier in the day.

John came bustling into the room, a cup of coffee in hand. He handed it to Alex with a warm smile, already showered and dressed.

"Thanks, angel,"Alex croaked, voice a little raw from sobbing and sleep, and John sat beside him. Alex quickly engulfed the coffee, licking his lips and setting it onto his bedside table. John pecked his cheek, then his lips, before grabbing the cup and getting up again.

"Make sure you shower. You haven't in a while,"John called over his shoulder, probably going to the kitchen to wash the cup.

"Whatever you say, husband,"Alex said, rolling his eyes, but he dragged himself up, taking what should be a suitable outfit and heading to the bathroom.

He stepped into the shower, let the warm water wash over him, comfort his tired body. His emotions were still running wild, still in shambles from the events of yesterday. 

John cared about him. John supported him no matter what. John was undeniably loyal, faithful to his heart and the friendships he'd built.

Alex loved him, and yet he kissed someone else. Not just someone else, but Eliza, a woman who always had the purest intentions, who he wanted to protect from the world.

He would hurt her. From the looks of it, he already had. How was he supposed to get his way out of this now? No matter what he did now, something bad was bound to happen. 

He just wouldn't think about it. Alex was a master at avoiding his feelings, surely he could do it right now. There would be other things to focus on, like his students and his future lesson plans! This would be easy, would at least give him time to focus on something other than the impending sense of doom in his stomach.

With a sigh of resolution, he got out of the shower, trying not to let his thoughts wander too far as he dried and dressed himself.

John sat curled in a corner of the couch when Alex stepped out, reading a book Angelica had recommended to him. He wasn't wearing that awful shirt anymore, thank god, and the knots in Alex's stomach loosened just slightly with relief. John was too absorbed in his reading to notice Alex standing just feet away, and Alex took a moment to just study him.

He looked comfortable, so at ease that it made Alex's stomach hurt. His eyes were narrowed in fascination, soft lips moving along to the words on the page. Sunlight settled on half of his face, made him look like he was illuminated from the inside. He was glowing, otherworldly, a sight that Alex wanted to look at forever. He knew it was silly, but Alex couldn't help but wish for some sort of forever. Whether it be as friends, as lovers, as roommates, he didn't care, as long as he just got to see John, know he was there in a space that was completely their own. Everytime Alex opened his eyes, everytime he spoke to John, he fell in love. How was that possible? More importantly, what did the world do in order to deserve such a wonderful human being? 

What did Alex do? 

Alex wasn't going to kid himself; he could live without John. The thing was, he didn't want to. Sure, he could live without John, but he'd simply return to the days of not sleeping or eating enough, slowly tearing himself apart because he felt like it was all he deserved. He could live without John, but there was such a big difference between living and being alive.

John would hold his heart in his hands, something so fragile, and yet Alex would feel nothing but safety. Somehow, John was slowly convincing Alex to care about himself. He made sure he ate enough, slept enough, made the loud hum in his brain quiet. Somewhere along the way, John had become a solace of sorts to Alex. His smile, his laugh, his arms, his eyes; John had become home.

So maybe Alex could live without him, but why would he ever willingly do so?

Alex stepped forward then, steps light as he sat close to John. John looked up from his book, opening his legs and arms to Alex, beckoning him forward. Alex immediately crawled into his embrace, rested his head on his chest, slotting his body with John's. 

They didn't say anything, didn't have to speak to enjoy each other's company. John went on with his reading, holding the book with one hand and using his free hand to run through Alex's wet hair. Alex yawned minutely, tracing light patterns into John's ribs. He traced out words that came into his head, hoped John couldn't understand.

"Love you, too,"John mumbled, not looking away from his book, and Alex stopped in his movements. He tensed up, eyes slowly trailing up to look at John. He didn't appear to take his words to heart, probably mistook it for a joke. The fact partially relieved and disappointed Alex.

"When do we need to start heading to work?"Alex asked, hoping to distract from the exchange they just had. John hummed, taking out his phone.

"I'd say in about five minutes. We can start heading out now, though,"he suggested, putting his phone back in his pocket to pet Alex again. 

"I don't want to get up, but if we stay in this position any longer, I probably won't want to leave later."

"We leave now, then,"John said cheerily, pushing at Alex so he could get up. Alex practically growled, clinging to John like an octopus, even as he stood.

"I refuse to let go."

"I refuse to be held captive by a tiny man. Get off."

"I'll get off... At a price,"Alex purred, voice low and seductive, smirking when John shivered.

"Name your price, tiny man."

Alex rolled his eyes at the words, but chuckled nonetheless. It was moments like these that reminded him why he was so in love with this dork in the first place.                "I get to have you all to myself tonight."

"That's it?"John scoffed, grinning brightly. "You literally have me all to yourself almost every night. We live together, we're always together. I'm pretty sure that most of our students think we're conjoined."

"Not what I meant, baby," Alex growled into his ear. He finally untangled himself from John, stepping down onto the floor. Kind of hard to be dominant when you're clinging to someone like a koala.

"What'd you mean, babygirl?"John questioned, voice hushed. His eyes were already dark, green reduced to just slivers by his widened pupils. 

"Well," Alex started, licking his lips and placing a hand on John's cheek. He ran over his bottom lip with his thumb, watched John's lashes flutter. "I just think your lips would look real pretty wrapped around my dick. You want that, don't you? Want me to fuck your pretty little mouth?"

John moaned softly, nodding furiously. His cheeks were tinted pink, eyes heavy lidded. Alex groaned internally; they still had to go to work. Why couldn't they just stay home the entire day?

"Later, angel," Alex said softly, John letting out a small, frustrated huff. Alex chuckled, leaning in to kiss him soundly. John's lips were pliant against his own, soft and warm, and Alex relished every second of it. 

He sighed when they pulled apart, resting his forehead against John's.

"Work now,"John mumbled, sounding just as disappointed as Alex felt. He nodded, took John's hand and tugged him towards the door.

"Why can't we just take a sick day?" Alex whined as they walked, glaring down at the sidewalk. John snorted, flicked Alex's temple as a reprimand.

"Because we don't have any subs lined up. Plus, Laf messaged me this morning. 'parrently, they want our advice on something. Tried to tell them that we're the last people to ask for advice on anything ever, but they refused to listen."

"Advice? Probably something to do with Herc, yeah?"

"Romantic advice? Even worse,"John groaned, and Alex rolled his eyes at his theatrics.

"C'mon, it won't be that bad. Maybe we'll finally get the idiots together."

"Sweetheart, I haven't been in a relationship in months."

"Unless you count Jeff-"

"Unless you count Jefferson, yes,"John cut him off, raising a brow at the way Alex huffed angrily at just the mention of Jefferson. Not only was he a huge dick, he was a huge dick who had something going on with John. (A huge dick with his dick in John? Not a great mental image for Alex.)

"Well, neither have I, but I'm still determined to help!"Alex pointed out, eyes narrowing at the other man. "They've been dancing around each other for ages. It's obvious they're in love, literally everyone can see it but them!"

"You know, you're right. They're practically married already, and it seems like every time they come close to the truth, they just take a step back. It's getting kind of really frustrating to watch, the least we can do is help in whatever way we can."

Alex couldn't help but feel like their words could be placed with a different yet similar situation, but he couldn't pin down what. It just seemed awfully... Familiar. 

"Anyways, Laf said to meet them during fifth period,"John said, cutting off Alex's train of thought.

"That work for you?"

"It should,"Alex responded, shrugging nonchalantly. "Doubt my students will mind being left alone for a couple minutes."

"When do students ever mind being left alone?" 

"You got me there. I'm just hoping Lin doesn't somehow start a fire again. I don't even have anything that could start a fire in my classroom, how did he manage it?" 

John snorted, shaking his head at Alex's antics. Just normal daily life things, really. When was John ever not shaking his head at Alex's antics?

"It'll be fine. They're teens, not monsters. Besides, you've done much worse than those kids ever could. Just meet me in the teacher's lounge fifth period and we'll be golden."

Alex nodded to himself, pursing his lips. Best try to figure out what advice he could give Laf soon. What would he even say to them? He wasn't exactly a charmer or anything, most of the relationships he'd had through highschool and college had crashed and burned.

And then of course there had been John. And Alex thought that was it, wasn't it? Soulmate? Check. Degree? Check. Ring to marry said soulmate? Check. Things just don't always work out the way you want them to, though.

Of course, that'd just be shitty advice for Laf. What his friend needed was some romantic encouragement, not a reminder on how love can be unbearably painful 90% of the time. 

"Think this will go well?" Alex asked, voice small and a little sceptical. He really did just want his two friends to be happy, but what if he and John messed up? 

"I... Hope so. No, I think it will. Gotta have faith in things sometimes, 'Lex,"he replied brightly, and Alex couldn't help but smile at his sunny demeanor. Of course he would try to have a positive attitude about this. John had always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic. 

Alex couldn't really relate, but John was always the exception. He'd do anything for him.

They walked into the school gingerly, walking and chatting until they came to where they had to part ways. Alex never liked this part, he just always seemed to miss John, even if they were parted for literally just a few hours. Not to mention they still saw each other throughout the day, but sometimes it was hard. 

The school halls were already alive. Barely so, the few students milling about seemed to be half asleep, but it was still something. Alex was prepared to simply just turn and leave to his classroom to finalize his lesson plan for the day, leave John to do the same.

He gave a quick goodbye, turned to hurry over to his room, but was stopped by warm hands grabbing his shoulders, spinning him around. Alex was suddenly much closer to John, which wasn't unpleasant, but it certainly was confusing. John seemed to hesitate, opened his mouth to say something, before deciding against it and closing it again. Before Alex could react, or even close his eyes, John was leaning in, slowly, pressing his lips to Alex's in a soft kiss that stole the oxygen right from his lungs. 

"I'll see you later,"John murmured after pulling back, just an inch or two between them. Alex nodded slowly, unable to form words, unable to make his head start up again. John gave a silly grin, before stepping back and moving to his class with a skip in his step. 

Alex stood numbly for a few more seconds, blinked once, twice. John didn't usually like to show affection at school, said it made no sense since they weren't together. This was strange, but... 

Alex shook his head. No time to think about this today. He could think about it later. Right now, he had his class, his students coming soon. With that in mind, he walked hurriedly to his own classroom, avoiding the gaze of the few students who had been around to witness their kiss. 

And if he lets out a cheerful woops and does a little happy dance once he's in his classroom, well... 

Nobody has to know.

 

"-remember, chapters five and six for homework tonight! Stop your glaring, Anthony, they're short chapters, it's not that bad. We will be having a quiz tomorrow based on what we've read so far, so make sure to study chapters one through four!" Alex prattled off as his students collected their belongings. There were quite a few audible groans at the mentions of homework, but Alex kept grinning regardless. Kids would be kids and complain about work. He's used to it at this point. 

As soon as the last kid was out of the room, so was Alex, racing out to the teacher's lounge to meet John and Laf. This would have to be quick. He didn't have a class this period, but they could often get off topic when talking about these sorts of things.

"Alex! My love! How are you today? You're looking lovely, of course!"Laf said cheerily once Alex was safely in the confines of the teacher's lounge. John was already sitting across from them, looking more tired than usual as he practically chugged his cup of instant coffee. How was it possible for a human to look so perfect while almost choking on black coffee? 

"I'm fantastic, Laf! Though I'm guessing John... Can't say the same. Is he okay?"

"Probably? He has not told me anything. He came in and immediately went for the coffee pot. Have you two perhaps switched bodies today?" 

John finished his cup then, gasping for air as he slammed the mug down onto the table. Alex took a seat beside him, stifling his laughter and taking John's hand in his own.

"Jefferson came into my class today,"John began, glaring at his empty cup as though it had personally wronged him.

"He said he had to use my printer because his wasn't working. I didn't really care, my students were working on stuff in partners anyways, so he wasn't disrupting or anything. But then he... He-!" 

He made a vague hand gesture and groaned, freckles emphasized by a lovely blush settling onto his face. Alex was concerned, of course, but it was always cute to see John like this. 

The fact Jefferson had got him like this? Less cute.

"He kissed me! In front of my class! And then he just thanked me for letting him print stuff, called me 'darling' or whatever, and left! I had to answer so many questions!" He huffed, jutting out his lower lip. 

Alex's heart had basically stopped beating. Oh. So Jefferson kissed him. Of course. That seemed very on brand for Jefferson. Alex tried not to let it show that it bothered him.

"Like what?" Laf asked, raising an eyebrow. He also shot a worried look in Alex's direction, but Alex ignored it, kept his eyes trained on the table.

"They asked me if we were dating, and... I really didn't know what to say. I mean, we're not official, but... Why aren't we? When I think about it, the idea isn't terrible to me. We work well together, really. At first, yeah, it was just for sex, but... There might be something actually here. He says he likes me and... I might feel the same?" John muttered quietly, letting out a soft sigh.

Alex felt his throat close up, the blood in his veins quickly running cold. Oh. This was fine. John was allowed to have feelings for other people. John was allowed to be in a relationship if he so pleased, he was not Alex's. He was allowed to move on.

So why did it hurt so bad? 

Why did it feel like Alex's heart had been ripped straight from his chest? Why did it feel like he was struggling to breathe, like his own body didn't know how to cope with the thought of losing him? 

Losing John. Alex had thought about that a lot, had replayed their breakup over and over again in his brain, countless times. But he had never considered what would happen when John inevitably fell for someone else. John was a whole garden, his body a home for beautiful things to take root and grow. His soul was an ocean, slow and steady on some days, raging on others, but something constant, always pulling people towards him. He was beautiful. Of course he would move on, and of course someone else would want to love him breathless. 

Didn't make it hurt any less.

Laf caught his eyes over the table finally, a soft, sad frown on their face, an unasked question within their gaze; are you okay? Alex wasn't sure what the answer was.

"Enough about me, though!" John proclaimed after a brief pause, back to his chipper, grinning self. 

"You wanted to speak to us, Laf. We're here for you, what advice do you need?" 

Laf blinked, eyes widening, as though they had forgotten why they were originally here in the first place.

"Oh! Of course! Well, you see, it's about Herc, and... Matters of the heart, you could call it,"they explained, smiling sheepishly. Alex forced himself out of his thoughts. He's here. He's present. He will listen to his friend and then give them advice because his friend needs him, and his friend is nothing but kind. It's time Alex repaid the favor.

"I just... I'm unsure of how he feels. I've loved him for so long, for years now, I don't even remembers what it's like to not have my heart belong to him, but... I'm unsure if he could ever feel the same. I doubt his heart beats for me in the same way. He's wonderful, strong, capable, a kind man to all of his friends. He is loud, but it fits him. He's gentle, and maybe he will never love me, but I at least want to tell him. Have it out in the open. I just don't know how," they mumbled, looking vulnerable and a little heartbroken. Alex knew that feeling all too well.

"I say write him something. A letter or poem or something. Then read it to him, face to face, so he knows how you feel,"Alex suggested, voice soft and encouraging. Laf considered the option, nose wrinkling slightly.

"But I'm not always good with words. Truly, no one is as good at words as you are, Alexander. What if I messed it up?"

"No, I actually think that's a good idea!"John added on, smiling giddily.

"But maybe instead you can write a song? You can sing, so that part shouldn't be a problem, and besides, it's sort of simple. Herc likes simple." 

Laf seemed to grin a little at this suggestion, looking a little more sure of themself. It warmed Alex's heart to see the bright look in their eyes. No way would Herc not feel the same.

"Yes, this is perfect! And maybe I could do it while we're having a sleepover, or watching a disney movie! Simple but also... Different. Ah, thank you both so much!" They cried, standing from their seat and throwing themself across the table to wrap John and Alex up in a hug. 

They gasped suddenly, eyes widening in realization. They pulled back from the hug, flashing a bright smile at both of them as they hurried to the exit of the room.

"I better get planning right now! A song will take lots of time and effort to perfect! Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart!" 

They blew kisses over their shoulder, and with that, they were gone. John was the first to break the silence that followed, sighing and stretching.

"Well, that was easier than I thought it would be. They were really excited. Really, we probably could have suggested anything and they would have been ecstatic." 

Alex hummed, unable to match John's level of enthusiasm. Now that Laf was gone, it was just Alex, alone with John and his own thoughts, swirling like a hurricane just behind his eyes. How was he supposed to look at him now, or even speak to him, knowing that he was falling for someone else? It just wasn't possible. 

Maybe John sensed the shift between them, could feel that Alex was different, because he was now watching him with calculating and concerned eyes.

"Are you alright? You don't seem quite so happy anymore," John whispered worriedly, regarding Alex as though he were an animal that would flee at any second. 

"Fine, just... Lots of work to do. I should really head back to my classroom,"Alex averted, standing abruptly. John looked at him with surprise, maybe something like sadness, but he didn't protest.

"Yeah, of course! Busy schedule, I'm sure. Right, then, don't let me keep you from it. I'll see you later? At home?" John asked, grabbing onto the front of Alex's shirt, giving a hopeful smile, and how could Alex not love him?

This man who was made of oceans and dust and sun and flowers and everything in the universe, how could Alex not love him? He made breathing easier, made the years of ache, of not feeling enough melt away. With just a glance in his direction, a brush of fingers over his cheek, a press of lips to his forehead, Alex felt safe, loved, like he had someone to lean into. He could count on John, could trust him with the deepest parts of himself.

Couldn't he? Would the same still be true if John ended up with someone else? Would they still be friends?

"Yeah, I'll see you at ,"he said quickly, voice sounding far away to his own ears. John pulled him down, giving a chaste peck on the lips, before letting him go. 

"Alright, don't overwork yourself," John mumbled back, but Alex was already walking out of the door. 

Alex knew he was being unfair. He loved John, he did, but he just couldn't look at him right now. Just when he thought there was hope for them, some chance of them getting back together... 

Things never seemed to go as plan. Maybe they never would. Maybe it was just best for Alex to let it all go.

But what if he couldn't? Maybe he needed John after all. He was his best self with John by his side, felt most complete when he woke up next to him in the morning. How was he supposed to give that up? How was he supposed to give him up? John was still something like his soulmate, the only person he could ever see himself loving even after so long, even after everything. His love for him ran steady and sure, was patient and withstood all obstacles. Alex loved him with his whole soul, so much that it made his whole being hurt in a way that was so undeniably beautiful and human and real. 

John was his forever.

But maybe Alex wasn't his. 

Alex slammed the door shut behind him just in time, let warm tears cascade down his cheeks. His classroom was still empty, luckily, providing him solace from the outside world. 

John was not his anymore. John had not been his for a while now. Alex would lose him completely someday. John would fall in love with Jefferson, and move out, and then get married and start a family, and Alex would still be by his side, always by his side. But John would have him there in a different way. They'd be farther apart, inches and yet miles between them, and Alex would just have to smile and bare it, smile and be happy.

Because at least John would be happy. At least John would still be in his life in some way. 

At least John would be loved. Really, that was all Alex could ever hope for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a mess  
> Leave comments and kudos! Always makes me have happy feelings! Let me know if there are grammar mistakes or smth im... Very tired  
> Sorry again for disappearing for m o n t h s but hs is hard my guys sorry not sorry(except very sorry]  
> Bye bye!


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